Flaming Maelstroms
by thatdamnuchiha
Summary: Flung back into the Warring Clans Era without the help of their sensei, Team Seven swear to avenge him and everyone else they lost. Zetsu would never know what was coming for him, and Kaguya's unfinished business would remain that way. They'd pay for taking sensei away. Of course it would've been far easier if Naruto hadn't decided to mess with their genetics on the way back.
1. Three Idiots and a Fox

**Seeing the response I got to 'A Minor Sealing Mishap' I've decided to crosspost Flaming Maelstroms across too - which was the fic 'A Minor Sealing Mishap' was based off of. Bear in mind this is a complete crack fic, so dubious morality, shennannigans and the like occur (don't read into things too much). This is an OP Miniaturised Team Seven causing chaos in the Warring Clans Era. Sasuke is a little shit, Sakura is a flaming ball of pyro-happy, and Naruto is just Naruto.**

* * *

Mud sloshed beneath their feet, soaked and slippery from the ongoing flood from the skies. It was like the heavens themselves were mourning. Hardly surprising. The world as they'd known it was gone, corpses littering the ground around Team Seven as they just stood there. Everything they knew was gone – friends, teachers, allies… The shinobi alliance had succeeded, but that didn't really matter. Not when they were all dead.

Dirt covered their once vibrant clothes, all the world awash in muted colours, alliance headbands scattered on the ground – scratched and forgotten. It was over. Everything was over.

Sakura sighed, staring up at the sky. "Well… that didn't go as planned," she mumbled, scowling in the next second as Sasuke snorted derisively.

"No shit."

"Sasuke!" Naruto groaned. "How many times have I told you? Play nicely with others… It's no wonder Orochimaru didn't socialise you when he took you out for walkies."

"Don't talk about me like I'm a dog, dobe!" he hissed, glaring at the blonde, sharingan activated. "Besides, what the fuck does it matter?"

"Chill with the swearwords, dude," Sakura said, folding her arms as she glared between the two. "Swearing ain't gonna get us nowhere."

"Why the fuck are you talking like that, Sakura?" Sasuke snarled. "Before I left Konoha you at least sounded somewhat classy."

"You wanna die, shithead?"

"Do you really want to test me, hypocritical bitch?"

Naruto held up both hands, stepping in between the pair. "Come on guys… there's no need to fight…"

"Dude, we are literally the last people living on this planet…" Sakura said, staring at him blankly. "We can do whatever we want."

"What about Team Seven unity?" he asked, slinging an arm around each of their shoulders. "Konoha solidarity?"

"Fuck no, I defected in case you forgot," Sasuke muttered snidely.

"But Kakashi-sensei didn't care about that… we don't care about that…" Naruto said, pulling them in for a hug. "You're one of us, now and forever, till death do us part."

"I suppose he wasn't a bad sensei…" Sasuke mumbled, glancing over at where the silvery mop of hair lay, half concealed by dirt and blood.

"And now he's dead because of that Kaguya and her little bitch," Sakura said, glaring intently at the ground, as if expecting Zetsu to pop up. He wasn't going to though. They'd ensured it, though the method they went about it had been less than satisfactory.

"The plant guy." Naruto folded his arms, deep in thought, a manic grin stretching at his lips. "I want to pulverise him again… rip him to pieces, stomp on the remains… feed them to the pigs…"

"Naruto!" Sakura hissed. "You can't do that to the pigs! That's animal cruelty."

"When did you two idiots become this bloodthirsty?" Sasuke asked, mildly intrigued if not slightly worried.

"They took Kakashi-sensei from us… they took Obito from us too – and don't lie. You were getting attached to him by the end," Naruto said, waving a finger in his face. "It's all plant guy's fault… if he hadn't messed around, things never would've gotten to this point…"

"What does it matter?" Sakura grumbled. "It's not like we can go back and change things…" she trailed off, eyes widening at the sight of that gleam in those crystal blue orbs. Her feet shuffled backwards, away from the grinning blonde demon. That look always spelled trouble. "Naruto, whatever you're planning, it's a _no._"

"She's right, dobe."

His smile widened.

"Naruto, no," Sakura said, folding her arms, glaring at the grinning maniac.

"Naruto yes," he mumbled, pouting at them. "Come on, at least hear me out! Pretty please?"

"About what?" Sasuke asked, edging towards him, ever so slightly intrigued. It wasn't like it mattered. They were the last ones alive, so it'd be pretty boring for things to stay the way they were. Naruto's ideas, no matter how insane, would liven things up… or so Sasuke assumed.

Sakura wasn't so sure on that front.

"Time travel!"

Sakura sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, already knowing no amount of arguing could convince their blonde friend otherwise. "I'm saying this now… we're all idiots."

"And you love us for it, Sakura." Naruto puffed his chest up, a vaguely Sasuke-like smirk appearing on his face. "Now… who's in?"

"Ugh, what the heck…" Sasuke muttered, raising his hand. "Let's go and fuck Zetsu and Kaguya ten times over… no one gets to kill my sensei aside from me."

"And you accuse us of being bloodthirsty," Sakura said, snorting quietly before she reached her decision. "Dammit. What the heck… let's just do it or die trying."

"Dying sounds less painful, if I'm completely honest," Sasuke grumbled.

"Sasuke! You aren't allowed to die!"

"Ugh. Whatever, dobe."

"Kurama's in too," Naruto said, pulling out a set of brushes and ink. "Now, gimmi some blood. I need it if I want to programme the seal."

"Let's just get this over with already."

* * *

Sakura regretted that decision immensely.

As did Sasuke.

"Naruto!" she hissed, pawing at her fluffy red locks of hair as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. It didn't matter her lovely jade green eyes were gone – replaced by onyx black orbs. No. The real problem was her hair. She didn't mind the colour all that much, pink was a variant of red, after all, but what got her was the style. Gone were her silky straight bangs, spiky untamed locks in place in all too familiar style. "Why the fuck did you give me Madara hair?"

"My hair is red, Naruto!" Sasuke hissed. His hair had retained the same duck butt style, but the colour was horrifying. He looked like a damned tomato – with those chubby cheeks of the childish body he and the rest had all been forced into. "This is not OK!"

Naruto chuckled, onyx orbs meeting their matching ones, his straight red hair falling around him like a curtain. His whisker marks were gone, his skin a matching shade of pale white – just like Sasuke's had been.

"This is unfair," Sakura grumbled. "Why the hell do we have the traits of your two clans but none of my own?"

Sasuke snorted, staring at her down his nose. "Clan superiority, obviously."

Sakura felt her eyebrow twitch. "I'll show you clan superiority in a minute…"


	2. The Many Aftereffects of Time Travel

Sakura scowled, eyeing the dingy little cabin they'd materialised in. It was uninhabited – that much was obvious from its dilapidated state. They'd barely managed to find that mirror, buried under dirty rags and torn blankets. She'd already made herself makeshift hair ties from the worn fabric, tying her ridiculously spiky red hair into twin tails. She looked less like a miniature red-haired version of Madara that way, so she was happy with the result. Sakura doubted the infamous Uchiha had ever tied his hair up in twin ponytails, so she figured it was OK.

Sasuke was still pouting, glaring intensely at his reflection in the dirty mirror.

"Come on guuuys!" Naruto moaned. "It's not that bad."

"You gave me_ Madara _hair, Naru," Sakura hissed, bristling like a cat. "It is that bad. I mean out of all the hairstyles you could've given me, you gave me hair that looks like the guy we originally fought against in the war. _Madara _of all people."

"It's not like it was deliberate!" Naruto grumbled. "You should blame Sasuke… it was his Uchiha genes that gave you spiky hair."

"Speaking of genes though…" Sasuke said, rolling over to where they were sitting. "Should we do a Kekkei Genkai test?"

Naruto clapped his hands together, practically bouncing up and down. "Oooo, that's right. Since I messed with our genetics—"

"You say that like it's no big deal," Sakura muttered, cracking her knuckles.

"Um…" Naruto paled, shuffling away from her ever so slightly. "We're now half Uzumaki and half Uchiha—"

"I think you mean a third," she said, smiling sweetly at her two teammates-turned-brothers.

"Pffft. Sakura, your genes were clearly cut out here… Civilian blood would've really affected out pow—urk."

Naruto sighed, watching as his two teammates-turned-siblings started tussling. "Awww," he mumbled dreamily. "You guys are already fighting like siblings… It's adorable…"

_"Actually," _Kurama's voice rang out inside his head, _"I think they're trying to strangle one another, dimwit."_

Sakura grinned wickedly, arms locked around Sasuke's scrawny neck, ignoring the elbow digging into her stomach. Naruto smiled fondly, leaping towards the two of them, tackling them to the floor, ignoring the moans of pain from his new siblings. "No fighting till we've had our Kekkei Genkai test. We need to see how badly our little trip has affected our capabilities… I mean, if we want to rip—"

Sasuke scowled, a hand slapped over the red-haired idiot's mouth. "Don't say his name, idiot!"

Sakura glared. "We can't tip him off that we're going to be coming for him," she said, a bloodthirsty grin twitching at her lips. "So we need a codename for him… we wouldn't want him to scurry away into hiding, would we?"

"Wow…"

Sakura turned to the noise, glaring at Sasuke who was only centimetres away from her – the pair of them still half-pinned under Naruto. "What?" she snapped.

"You really look like Madara when you do tha—oof!"

Sakura removed her fist from his stomach, sliding out from under Naruto's weight. "We can call him Aloe Vera."

"I was going to go with Planty-kins…"

Sasuke sat up, pushing Naruto off, not even sparing a glance at the redhead as he tumbled to the floor. "We should call him _that man._"

Sakura blinked. "I thought that was Itachi…"

Naruto shrugged. "I think we'll all know who we're talking about no matter what words we use," he mumbled, his face brightening in the next second. "So time to test our Kekkei Genkai… and check whether Sakura was worthy enough to inherit one."

Her face twitched. "Worthy?"

"Let's test my side of the family first," Naruto said, eagerness written across his expression. "I wanna see if any of us got my mum's chakra chains."

"Dobe, how are we supposed to even know how to materialise them?"

Sakura shut her eyes, scowling as she listened to Naruto babbling. She tugged on her chakra, just like what the others were doing, a smirk appearing on her face when she felt a strange tug in her gut. The sounds of chains rattling met their ears, a very smug Sakura opening her eyes to find she was the only successful one out of the three of them. Golden chains looped in coils around her, extending from her back and stomach, and Sakura preened. "Hn. How's that for a mere _civilian_?"

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke's jaw dropped.

"What?" Sakura stared at the two of them, watching as Naruto raised a shaking finger to point at her.

"You just made a Sasuke noise!" he yelled. "I told you the Hn is genetic…"

Sasuke scoffed, folding his arms as he looked the other way from the idiots. "You've said your first Hn, Sakura… so I suppose I can acknowledge you as an Uchiha."

"I'm a Haruno!"

"Nu-uh." Naruto shook his head. "We're all Uzumaki-Uchiha."

Sakura scowled. "I hate you both so much."

"It should be Uchiha-Uzumaki, dobe."

"If we're going to be called something, it'll be Uzumaki-Uchiha," Sakura said, smirking as Sasuke glared venomously at her. She didn't care. She was totally doing it just to spite him.

"Yay!" Naruto grinned. "Then, if we ever need to go undercover, we can be Haruno…"

Sakura smiled. "Thanks Naruto."

"Does that mean I'm forgiven for the whole _Madara _hair issue?"

"HELL NO!"

"Aren't we going to do the sharingan test?" Sasuke asked, puffing his chest out, pride written across his face as three tomoe appeared on a blood red iris. "My sharingan is perfect, obviously." Tomoe spun, morphing into the pinwheel cross weird flowery shape of his Eternal Mangekyou. "I still have my Rinnegan too, thank you very much," he said, left eye becoming the eerie purple Sakura recognised far too well, black ripple marks spreading throughout the sclera. "Now, channel your chakra to your eyes, peasants."

"Sasuke, have you been talking to Kurama?"

"Does the fox call us peasants then?" Sakura asked, not bothering to watch the small twitch of her duck-haired brother.

"On occasion." Naruto nodded. "It's usually either dimwits, peasants, or another term of endearment."

"Shut up and channel your chakra already," Sasuke grumbled. "You're taking far too long… though of course there's no guarantee you idiots will be able to activate it even if—"

"Wow," Sakura mumbled, staring around the room with red eyes, three tomoe spinning wildly as she took in every speck of dust and mould. "So this is the sharingan…"

"My eyes are super pretty," Naruto mumbled, staring at himself in the mirror. "I always thought Sasuke's eyes were pretty… never thought I'd get them for myself." He flipped his hair over his shoulder, the shiny red locks catching in the light, making Sakura burn with jealousy. She should've been the one with hair like that – not the nest of fluffy untameable spikes.

"See if you've got the Mangekyou too," Sasuke said, sitting back as he eyed the only female sibling he'd ever had curiously. "Though I doubt—"

"My eyes feel weird…" Sakura mumbled, having channelled more chakra into her sparkly new eyes, staring about the place. "How do they look? They don't feel strained…"

"No." Sasuke shook his head. "This is unfair! Do you even understand the torment I had to go through to get the Eternal Mangekyou?"

"So you're saying…" Sakura trailed off, glee lighting up her face.

Sasuke pouted, snorting loudly through his nose as he glared at the ground. "You have the most ugly Eternal Mangekyou I've ever seen."

"How about me?" Naruto asked, the most focused expression Sakura had ever seen in place as he stared determinedly at them, three tomoe stubbornly staying still in his red irises.

"Nope." Sasuke shook his head.

_"As if I'd let you get the Mangekyou," _Kurama muttered inside his mindscape. _"Four are plenty enough for me, thank you very much."_

Naruto ignored his partner, concentrating on his eyes instead. "Do I have it yet?" he asked, squinting furiously, eyes watering as he stared at the two of them.

"Dobe, it just looks like you're trying to look at something really far away…"

He scowled, sticking his lower lip out as he glanced at his teammates-turned siblings. "This is unfair… Why does Sakura get to use Chakra Chains, _and _the Eternal Mangekyou?" Naruto bemoaned shamelessly. "She didn't even have an eye transplant…"

"Clearly it's just my superior genetics coming into play…"

Sakura stared sideways at him. "Do you even know what genetics are?"

"Mine and Naruto's chakra pathways were probably used as the base for all of ours… since ours were the superior ones," Sasuke said. "Kurama probably interfered for the dobe's eyes, and Sakura just happened to get lucky."

"Hardly." She snorted.

"Well how do you explain ending up with two Kekkei Genkai then?"

Sakura smirked, staring down her nose at him. "Civilian superiority, obviously."

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. "Clearly the universe just wants to balance things out," he said, twirling a short lock of red hair around his finger. "I mean, Naruto does have Kurama… and I do have the mythical, wonderful Rinnegan."

"Yeah, yeah," Sakura muttered, rolling her eyes. Of course Sasuke would say stuff like that. "We get it. You're fabulous, go figure."

Naruto snickered.

"What is it, dobe?"

"Guuuuys!" Naruto moaned. "Can't you see it?" he asked, staring between them excitedly. "This is banter – sibling banter!"

"No, Naruto," Sakura muttered. "Just… no…"

"For once I actually agree with her, dobe."

He slumped to the floor. "You guys are no fun."

Sakura patted him on the shoulder. "Suck it up, champ… You're stuck with us now."

Sasuke smiled softly, freezing when a thought struck him. "Umm… Idiots, when are we actually going to figure out what time period we've landed in?"


	3. The Many Problems of the Warring Clans

Sakura, ever the voice of reason, was the first one to devise a plan – one to find out exactly when they'd been thrown… but before they could carry it out, there was something they needed to do. "You ready to see how abysmal your chakra control is?" she asked, smirking at Naruto and Sasuke as they each stood in front of their own tree. It was just like the good old days, she thought, watching as Sasuke and Naruto ran up just as they had the first time. Sakura, meanwhile, was opting for the sensible route. She formed a hand sign, focusing her chakra just as she had the last time around.

"This is actually a bit easier than last time," Naruto muttered, flipping back as he was blasted off the tree. "Strange…"

"I know," Sasuke mumbled, landing neatly back on the ground next to his new brother just in time to hear the curses Sakura spluttered out.

"You imbecile… ninny… halfwit… idiotic blonde—"

"Technically I'm a redhead now," Naruto said, lifting a finger in protest. "Besides… what's the matter, imouto? We've got better chakra control, and it's probably thanks to—"

Sasuke clamped a hand over his lips. "Dammit, Naru, we're supposed to be irritating Sakura by dissing the fact she has no clan…"

"Oh," Sakura muttered, striding towards him, fists clenched. "Is that right, Sasu-chan…?" she asked, before snapping her gaze over to her other brother. "And why the hell am I younger than you?"

"Sakura, you're the cute little sister… you have to be! I've always wanted one," Naruto said, a wide grin on his lips. "Pretty please?"

"Besides, you're shorter than us," Sasuke smirked.

"We look like we're five years old, Sasu-chan, so I don't think height will really matter – for all you know, I might be taller than you in the end." She folded her arms, looking smug in a way only an Uchiha could – though she refused to admit it. At heart she was still a Haruno.

"Just shut up and accept the fact that you're now the official baby of the family, Sakura… or should I say imouto?" Sasuke purred, looking far too content as he stared her down.

"This baby will be beating you're a—"

Naruto barged between them. "Now, now, guys… no fighting…"

"Tch." Sasuke scowled.

"Hn—God damn you and your genes, Sasuke!" Sakura hissed. "You've ruined my perfect chakra control, and you're making me say Hn all the time!"

Sasuke shrugged, looking on with pride at his half destroyed tree. "It's genetic… what can I say?"

"I guess you'll just have to claw some of your control back the hard way," Naruto mumbled, backing away from the angry spiky-haired Sakura who looked only seconds away from spewing flames. "There's nothing I can do about anything now!"

Sakura scowled, stomping back over to her tree, determined to finish the traditional chakra control exercise before the other two. She refused to be shown up. Not when it came to something she'd been the best at before their little trip to the past. Carefully, she focused her chakra yet again, snarling as she threw herself up to tree in a dead sprint.

Sasuke and Naruto looked on, watching as more bark was thrown from the tree, gulping audibly at the sight of Sakura's manic grin.

"Sakura is terrifying, isn't she, teme?"

Sasuke paled. "She looks far too much like Madara when she does that face…"

Sakura was blown back off the tree, flipping as she landed in a crouch, sharingan spinning in her eyes as she turned to face her brother. "You're dead, Sasuke!" she snarled, sprinting after him as he ran away despite Naruto's protests.

If Sakura was to reflect on her actions that day, she knew they were probably why Naruto mastered tree walking first, much to her own aggravation.

Still, she beat Sasuke at least.

* * *

It was a few days later when things started to go wrong.

Naruto and Sasuke had decided to explore the surrounding area, to see if they were anywhere recognisable, and Sakura, being the responsible one, had decided it was only right that they all go out together. There was no getting separated. Not when they didn't have the first clue about when and where they were. There was no telling about where they were without seeing for themselves… and if they happened to run into anyone unfriendly, then they knew they had to be ready to flee at a moments notice. They still weren't fully acclimatized to their new bodies, and new chakra reserves, especially in Sakura's case. She could barely use one chakra chain at a time, and that was under Naruto's not-so-expert guidance. Sasuke had fun taunting her about that – and the smug little bastard had already remastered his rinnegan, so he'd been able to dodge an enraged Sakura rather easily.

Sakura was quietly plotting her revenge. _Oh yes,_ the tables would turn as soon as she had mastered her chakra chains and her new sharingan. The grin that spread across her face was terrifying, and Naruto was shuddering as they walked through the forest.

"I don't recognise anything…" Sasuke muttered. "It's just trees and more trees…"

"How astute of you, Sasu-chan," Sakura purred, smiling widely as her brother turned to glare at her. It was strange how quickly she was getting accustomed to calling them family – calling them brothers – but they'd practically been family before their little jump through time. The only difference now was that they were officially blood related and, according to Sasuke, blood called to blood.

"Shut it, Saku," Sasuke hissed, glaring at her until Naruto's voice rang out a little ways ahead of them.

"Uh… guys…" Naruto called. "Is it me, or does this cliff look very familiar?"

They hurried forwards, breaking through the treeline, coming to a stop as they stared up at a strangely familiar cliff. One they'd looked at most days… only it had no faces carved onto it, and the village of Konoha was nowhere in sight.

"Well… I guess that answers the question of what era we're in…" Sasuke muttered, folding his arms. "But when exactly do you think we are? When will Konoha be formed?"

Sakura froze, a realisation sinking in within moments. "Wait… If we're here… in the Warring Clans Era… then aren't we smack bang in the middle of Senju-Uchiha territory?"

Just like that, silence fell, all of them freezing at the horrifying revelation, Sakura stiffening as she heard a slight rustle of leaves and the distinctive muted sound of sandals against bark.

"Shit," Sakura hissed, grabbing Sasuke by the collar of his shirt. "Go, go, go…" she muttered, sprinting into the bushes, Naruto close behind.

At least until he tripped over his own feet.

"Dobe!" Sasuke hissed, lunging back towards him, but Sakura held him fast, eyes narrowed as the answer to all their questions stepped out of the foliage.

Red eyes were locked on the sprawled mop of red hair that was Naruto, a head full of messy white hair appearing from the earthy greens and browns that made up the forest. The leaves rustled, a brunette kunoichi materialising next to the man Sakura knew to be Senju Tobirama.

Who also happened to be a sensor…

And probably knew they were there…

Sakura sighed, knowing in an instant they were well and truly fucked if they couldn't get away. Out of everyone who could've found them, why did it have to be the Uchiha hating one?

Knowing their luck, Naruto would accidently activate his recently acquired sharingan, and that was something Sakura could not let happen.

"Uzumaki…" His voice was as sharp as a kunai. "What are you doing on our borders?"

Sakura gulped, silently praying Naruto wouldn't do anything stupid. Of course her hopes were soon dashed – it was _Naruto _after all.

"Uh… I got lost?" Naruto scratched the back of his head, stumbling back slightly as Tobirama crouched down in front of him.

"Oh really?"

Sakura bristled. The tone was far too sickly sweet, and the protective instincts she didn't even know she had went into overload.

Looking back on the situation, she could safely say she'd gotten lucky. Very lucky. So much so, that Naruto had theorised they'd inherited the Uzumaki luck – the only thing which might've been able to stave off the curse of Team Seven. Still, Sakura couldn't deny she'd gotten a thrill of satisfaction as her knee had crunched into Tobirama's face.

"Get away from nii-san!" she snarled, already on the move as the white-haired bastard recoiled from the unexpected blow she'd somehow been able to deliver.

Hands had ripped into her hair, loosening the makeshift hair ties, but she'd all but torn free, not caring about the aching in her scalp as she picked Naruto up before he could blink. She wasted no time in sprinting away like her life depended on it – because it felt like it kinda did.

"Boy!" the word was snarled out behind her, and it ignited her temper.

She turned her head for a split second, an Uchiha-worthy smirk curling at her lips as she spied the blood dripping from his nose. Slinging Naruto under one arm, she spun around fully, sticking her middle finger up at the future Nidaime. "Up yours arsehole, I'm a girl!"

Sasuke emerged from the bushes, racing to catch up with them as they fled from Senju territory, pausing only to give Senju Tobirama a saucy wink before he vanished into the forest along with his siblings.


	4. The Menace Called Sakura

"Tobi…"

An irritating buzzing sounded near his ear.

"Tobi…"

"…"

"Tobi…"

Tobirama scowled, turning to glare at his older brother, who was hovering by his side like an annoying fly. "What do you want, anija?" he barked, scowling as Touka sniggered from where she stood – leaning against a nearby wall.

"What… happened to your nose?"

He glared at his older brother. "None of your business!"

"But you never get injured on missions, Tobi," Hashirama mumbled, pouting as he stared pleadingly at his younger brother. "Not even when you go up against Izuna…"

"I'm fine, so get the hell out of my room!" Tobirama snarled, throwing the nearest object at his annoyingly concerned brother.

Hashirama ducked under the pillow with a squeak.

"Don't mind him, Hashirama-sama," Touka mumbled. "He's just a bit miffed about being taken out by a five-year-old."

His cheeks puffed out, sniggers building despite the menacing glare of his brother. "You…"

"Not. A. Word," Tobirama hissed.

"Got…" Hashirama said, snickering quietly.

"I will end you."

"Taken—"

Tobirama scowled, lunging for his brother. "Shut up!"

That was the scene which Mito walked in on minutes later, two pale hands wrapped around her soon-to-be-husband's throat. She turned to the only other woman in the room. "What happened this time?"

"Tobirama is embarrassed that he got taken out by a five-year-old girl. Hashirama-sama decided to tease him."

"Ah. That explains it."

Touka nodded, a small smile forming on her lips. "But speaking of which… do you know of any Uzumaki children who could be in the area? Tobirama identified them by their ridiculous chakra reserves – even I could, and I'm not much of a sensor… besides… they all had the bright red hair."

Mito shook her head. "We rarely allow our children outside Uzushio until they've come of age. There'd be no reason for them to be in this area unless…"

"Bastard children?"

Mito nodded. "If that's the case, then they need to be taken in by my clan… if anyone else gets a hold of them, who knows what they'll do?"

"Poor kids…"

Somewhere out in the distance, the troublesome trio all had the overwhelming urge to laugh all of a sudden.

* * *

"Right," Naruto rubbed his hands together. "We're going to do some serious training now… since, you know, we're stuck in the Warring Clans Era and everyone will probably end up wanting to kill us…"

Sakura shrugged. "Same old, same old…"

"We should start on the Uchiha Clan techniques first," Sasuke said, pointing to the jetty over the lake in the quiet little territory they'd found a good number of miles away from any clan. "I can't have you two idiots showing us up."

Sakura almost drooled. "Fire jutsu?"

"And sparring with the sharingan."

"Well, good thing I put up some seals around this place," Naruto mumbled. "If we're letting loose the flames."

Sakura could happily say she took to it like a duck to water.

Sasuke didn't like the comparison. He'd put a lot of effort into learning how to swim, contrary to popular opinion, though he supposed Sakura was indeed putting a lot of effort into learning how to set things on fire.

* * *

Naruto stared at the lake. "Sakura…" He turned to his supposedly _cute _younger sister. "Why is the lake on fire?"

"Sasuke showed me a new technique."

"Water's not supposed to be flammable!" Naruto screamed. "Sasuke! Back me up here!"

Sasuke smirked. "Hn."

* * *

"OK, imouto," Naruto nodded. "Now, mum said using chakra chains should be instinctive…" he explained, continuing to pepper her with random facts and snippets his mother had told him in the brief instant where they'd met.

Sakura nodded along, only half listening as she generated a single chain, pausing to contemplate for only a second before she sent it arcing towards Sasuke.

"Hey!"

Sakura only smiled innocently. "Evasion practice," she called, summoning another chain to join the fun.

"SAKURA!"

* * *

_6 Months Later_

"Sasuke…" Naruto mumbled, staring at the sheer destruction in front of them as they stood together on the newly formed clifftop. Craters the size of houses could be seen littering the area, large fires eating away at the wreckage of what had once been a clan compound. "Why did we teach Sakura the Fire Release…?"

"Hn. She's a true Uchiha now…" Sasuke said, folding his arms as he looked on at the sheer carnage with something akin to pride shining in his eyes.

"She keeps spamming the great annihilation one!"

"Actually, it's known as Fire Style: Majestic Destroyer Flame, or Great Fire Annihilation, thank you very much… It's one of the best fire releases out there," he continued, ignoring Naruto's protests and whimpers. "Madara used it against us a lot, so it's only fitting that Sakura does."

"You should be grateful she can't hear you, you know…"

"Dobe, enough with that," Sasuke grumbled. "We can worry about Sakura's reign of terror later. Right now we need a _plant _update."

Naruto smiled, too many teeth showing. "He's fifteen miles north of our current location."

"You really think we're ready to spray the weed killer?"

"We've just been waiting for Sakura to be able to form her chakra chain barrier – and she can do that now, so our little plant won't be able to run away when we come for him…" Naruto all but purred, eyes flickering to red slitted ones.

"Still, I can't believe how quickly you two idiots got used to your new abilities," Sasuke mumbled, looking away from his brother – who was staring at him with tearful eyes. "Of course, I know you mainly focused on fire techniques and your base sharingans… Sakura is still pitiful when it comes to her Mangekyou."

"Who are you calling pitiful?" Sakura asked, wrapping an arm around each of their shoulders. "Surely I misheard you, nii-san?"

Sasuke snorted, ignoring the way Naruto swallowed. "Nope. You heard me correctly the first time."


	5. A Little Trip to the Uchiha Compound

"Sasuke, Sakura!" Naruto sprinted towards them, bringing their procession through the forest to a sudden halt. "We have an emergency!" He held out a hand, gesturing for them to come closer as they stood on the branches of an old tree. "A really big emergency…"

"More important than going after our _plant_?" Sasuke asked, a scowl on his face as he palmed the hilt of the sword he'd filched from one of his expeditions into town. They were all dressed in full battle regalia, with all the supplies they'd obtain from raiding clan compounds in the dead of the night and visiting villages packed away – either in storage seals of the little packs which they carried on them. Sasuke had spent days sewing them together in the dead of the night before he'd given them to his siblings. Sakura had cackled at the blush on his face and the frantic attempts to escape Naruto's bearhug when he'd presented his hard work to them.

She hadn't been cackling when Naruto and Sasuke had found a set of child-sized red armour and had made her wear it the following day. Sakura hated it with a passion, though admittedly she could still fight in it despite its bulky weight, and like her brothers kept telling her it kept her safe on the battlefield. It wasn't like she could lie and say she didn't always end up on the frontlines of any of their battles, because she did. Every single time. No more backline medic. The three clauses no longer existed, so she didn't have to hold herself to them. The amount of gleeful cackling she'd done when she figured that out had terrified her siblings. Some part of her loved the battle and the _beautiful _flames which always consumed everything around her when she breathed fire. It would be worth wearing the red armour so she could run about 'safely' on the battlefield without her brothers worrying. Sasuke had shortly thereafter found a navy blue chest plate and promptly claimed it as his own, ignoring the furious glares Sakura sent his way. She knew what he was up to. Naruto was the only one who wore no armour – instead wearing only one of the small black kimonos they'd found on one of their more adventurous trips. There'd been a whole stock of them, which Sakura had happily helped herself to. Even if they weren't the cleanest or neatest robes, they were better than the ones they'd been milling about in for ages.

"There was a massive battle a few miles from here yesterday," he began, ignoring Sasuke's protests. "You know I've been having my shadow clones scout the area, right?"

"Duh. I'm not an idiot, dobe – that's you."

"Hey!"

Sakura slapped the backs of their heads. "The quicker we get this over with, the quicker we can dance with _Mr Planty-kins_."

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke stared for a moment, before his gaze slid over to his smooth-haired sibling. "The Uchiha blood runs strong in this one. She's even using Madara's phrasing—"

Sakura slammed his head into the trunk of the tree, a gloved hand gripping at his duck butt of red hair. He'd been growing his hair out ever since Sakura told him only strong ninja could have long hair, so there was plenty of strands to grip as she ground his face into the bark. "What were you saying, dear nii-san? Do you want to dance with me once we get home, then? I could always use a workout, no matter how light it might be."

"Um… imouto?" Naruto squeaked, flinching as her blood red eyes locked on him, tomoe spinning as she smiled at him sweetly. "Do you… um… think we could maybe get back to the urgent matter at hand?"

She released her grasp on Sasuke almost instantly. "What's wrong?"

"You know I said there was a massive battle, right?"

Sasuke rubbed at his face, wincing as he leant back against the tree trunk he'd just been pushed into. "We got that the first time around, dobe, hurry up and say what you want to say."

"Spit it out, Naru." Sakura sighed. "We're missing out on inflicting pain on out worst enemy for this."

"It still alarms me at how bloodthirsty you've become," Sasuke muttered, shuddering ever so slightly. "We have to split the battlefield between us half the time because otherwise you'd go wild…"

"Right." Naruto nodded. "The battle was the one between the Senju and Uchiha, and it's the one where Madara's little brother was gravely injured. My shadow clone just popped and relayed that back to me now… and even if we stop Aloe Vera, there's no guarantee Madara won't go off his rocker and ruin everything if his brother still dies. So… I'm proposing we portal into the Uchiha Compound with Sasuke's eye that he keeps bragging about and get me and Sakura to heal him."

"Tch." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I suppose we could so long as I get a sight of where we need to portal into… I'm unfamiliar with this area, so I'd need a visual… It'd be a shame for Izuna to die… I mean, I've always heard how much alike we looked before Naruto fucked with everything—"

"Haven't you two gotten over this yet?"

Sakura snorted. "No."

"—so it'd be a shame for the world to lose such beauty."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "You and your vanity… Pfft. I'm way prettier than you."

Sasuke looked at her flatly. "Do I really need to say it?"

"Say what?"

"Two words. Madara hair."

Sakura kneed him in the groin.

"So… guuuuuys, we need to go – like now," Naruto complained, leaping to the next branch. "Come on…" He paused, blinking as he came up with an excellent threat on the spot. "Now, otherwise I'll set Kurama on you."

The pair of them paled, quickly leaping to catch up with their eldest brother. Neither of them were going to ever contest him on that particular matter. He'd either hug them to death, or remind them that he held all the wisdom, seeing as how he had a centuries old biju sealed in his gut. Besides they'd all been _reborn _as Naruto liked to call it, so their last lives didn't apparently matter when it came to the ages.

"Let's go and save this Izuna guy already," Sakura grumbled, racing through the branches, heading directly for the Uchiha Compound. "We do have a _plant _to kill, you know."

* * *

They arrived in the dead of the night, when everything was silent and still. Somehow they'd made it past the border security, which really made Sakura think they needed an upgrade. If three little Uzumaki-Uchiha could slip through. Their footsteps were silent, sharingans swirling as they landed on the tiling of the fencing enclosing the Compound. Each panel was decorated with an Uchiwa, so Sakura had no doubts they were in the right place, but from there on in things would be trickier. Each of them had a chakra supressing tag somewhere on them, meaning their use of jutsu was limited – though Sasuke could still open up a little portal through space-time.

Naruto elbowed Sasuke, nodding at the dark little corner of the building they were aiming to get inside.

A swirling dark portal opened up in front of them, each of them vaulting through it to land neatly in the shadows closest to their destination. Izuna's chakra was inside that very room, weak and flickering as Sasuke inched along the wall towards the window. It opened with barely a screech. Barely.

"Nii-san?" a sleepy voice croaked.

Sakura swore internally, cushioning her landing with her chakra as she vaulted inside the room after the other two, moving stealthily towards the man lying on the futon. His eyes were gone, but an elbow to Naruto's ribs had him moving to fix that with the white circle on his hand as she went towards the cut in his side.

"You're not nii-san, are you?"

Her small hands pushed at his skin, a green glow engulfing the wound as she cleared out the infection that was growing, knitting skin back together without a single scar.

"Come to finish the job have—What the hell?" Black eyes opened all of a sudden, a fourth sharingan flickering to life as they all ducked out of sight as best they could.

"Izuna?"

Sakura cursed.

"Madara-sama, you need to rest!"

Naruto swore. "Portal. Now!" he hissed, hearing the pounding of feet heading towards them, and they rolled into action like the good little ninja they were.

So when the door slammed open, only one extremely confused Uchiha could be seen sitting in the middle of the room staring wordlessly around the place.

* * *

"Can we get back to our weed killing now?"

"Time for the Aloe Vera to dan—ie." Sakura scowled. "Shut up, Sasuke. I was saying _die_, I was totally saying _die._"

Naruto patted her back. "There, there."

Sasuke snorted. "Just accept it, Mini-Madara—"

"Oops."

"SAKURA! Don't make me set Kurama on you…"

Sakura shrugged, staring at Sasuke from the tree branch she'd pushed him from. "My foot slipped."


	6. Weed Killing Team Seven Style

Naruto could safely admit they'd gone overboard.

Sasuke honestly couldn't care less.

Sakura shrugged, staring at the second moon now high up in the sky as they sat around a campfire, mulling over the events of the last few days. They'd dragged out their defeat of Zetsu obviously, wanting to inflict as much pain as the three were capable of dishing out before Naruto and Sasuke slammed their marked hands into the black squishy plant. She only wished she'd had some popcorn, since Sasuke and Naruto had confined her to barrier duty – AKA the make-sure-planty-kins-has-no-escape jutsu, which was, in other words, her chakra chain barrier. She was miffed about missing out on the action, obviously, but Sasuke had promised to let her have the entire battlefield for the next few battles so Sakura was content to just watch and laugh manically at Zetsu's suffering. That was satisfying on itself. Watching those creepy yellow eyes of his widen when Naruto and Sasuke tore into him on the battlefield they'd created had been fantastic. They'd been in a hurry only moments before, trying to ensure the area of ground they tore free from the earth was kept separated – held in the air by some well placed gravity seals Naruto had drawn up in the rush over – before they cracked on with their job.

Together, they sighed as one, silently replaying the events in their minds from the moment Sakura's barrier had formed a little globe around their floating arena of sorts.

_"Naruto," Sasuke purred. "Shall we start off with our warmup?" he asked, advancing on the inky black creature looking at the pair of them curiously. "I think a nice chidori—" sparks crackled to life in one hand "—or two, and a rasengan should be enough of a greeting."_

_A mass of swirling blue chakra appeared in Naruto's hand in answer, a wide grin stretching at his lips as they advanced on the plant-like creature who was edging backwards from them. "Oh," Naruto murmured, too many teeth showing for his smile to be anything but vicious. "Definitely."_

After numerous rasenshurikens, variations of chidori, and the occasional weapon – whether it be a nicely fashioned sword or some teeth and claws sinking into black ooze – the battle was over, and Zetsu was practically a puddle that was soon crushed underneath numerous rocks which rose into the sky under the sheer gravitational force of the technique they'd used. Naruto had cackled like Sakura once it was done, and that was never a good sign in Sasuke's book. Sakura only tended to cackle like that before things started catching fire, and Sasuke wasn't entirely sure what Naruto's vice of choice would be. Sakura was at least consistent. Naruto, in their last life at least, had been entirely unpredictable which spoke volumes of what was to come.

Sakura sighed, lying back as she stared up at the two moons, surrounded by her two brothers and a whole bunch of darkened trees. "Do you two reckon you could get away with calling yourself moon gods? Y'know, since you two just made a whole new moon…"

"We don't want to advertise the fact, guuuuuuys," Naruto moaned. "We'll only get more people trying to kill us…"

Sasuke snorted. "As if we don't have enough already."

"Don't blame me for that… I'm not the one who keeps setting fire to everything in my path," he said, looking pointedly at their spiky-haired sister.

One eye cracked open, Sakura rolling onto her side as she glanced at the two of them lazily. "This campfire is way too small," she muttered, getting to her feet, her hands forming the horse sign. "Fire—"

Sasuke was on his feet in seconds, Naruto close behind as they dived for their slightly smaller sibling, throwing themselves to the ground along with her, cutting off her jutsu midway with a collective sigh of relief from the boys. A decent-sized campfire, they knew, in Sakura's opinion would probably be the size of the entire clearing at least.

"Dammit, Baby Madara!" Sasuke snarled. "Get your pyromaniac tendencies under control!"

Sakura went dead still underneath them.

Naruto shivered, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up on end as his senses screamed at him to run, and he didn't even have to think about whether or not to obey them. "Run, Sasuke!" he hissed, pulling himself free from the odd pile they'd formed on the cold hard-packed dirt, taking to the branches in seconds. "Baby Madara is about to lose it big time!"

Sasuke hurled himself into the trees after Naruto, sandals hitting bark as they quickly made themselves scares from their makeshift campsite.

Sakura lifted herself to her feet, pawing at the ground with one foot, lips twisting into a snarl as she stared at where they'd vanished. "YOU'RE DEAD, SASUKE! SO FUCKING DEAD!" she roared, propelling herself, armour and all, into the blackness of the trees, leaving the small campfire behind.

Silence was all that greeted the duo after the thunderous roar of Sakura's voice, the pair of them glancing nervously at each other in the eerie silence as they jumped from branch to branch. The night air was cool, the two moons hanging low in the sky – lighting the way in front of them, and their escape from the wild beast they called their sister. Not that Sasuke would ever say that to her face. Calling her a miniature version of Madara in some way got far better reactions.

"Do you think we've lost her yet?" Naruto asked what must have been a good fifteen minutes later, swallowing audibly as he glanced behind them, peering into the dark depths of the forest behind them. Their camp was well out of sight, and so was Sakura – or so it seemed.

The tree branch behind them rattled ominously in answer, bright crimson eyes meeting their onyx ones which soon swirled to match their sister's activated sharingan. When their dojutsu was active, it meant that a good spar, or one sided beating, was about to occur. The pair of them knew from experience, and they weren't the good type, either.

"That would be a no, dobe," Sasuke muttered, shifting back into action, leaping for the next branch. "Run!"

"Nii-sans… where are you two going?" Sakura's voice was sickly sweet. "I want to give you a first hand demonstration of some of the new fire jutsu I've been itching to try out."

Naruto squeaked, sprinting forwards through the trees, blinking as he and Sasuke stumbled out into the dim lighting of what had to be a clan compound. He blinked, unsure of what to do – he hadn't exactly been paying attention to his sensor skills whilst running away from his enraged sibling (mostly because there wasn't supposed to be anything out this way, but it seemed he was wrong about that).

"Naru…" Sasuke trailed off, eyes narrowing as an adult figure flashed in front of them.

"And what business do two Uchiha children have here?" he asked, dark eyes narrowed underneath a fringe of blonde hair, the moonlight reflecting off the metal of the blade in his hand. "Speak. I dislike killing children, but I'm not opposed to—"

Numerous flaming dragon heads erupted out of the forest behind them, converging on a single point just behind where Naruto and Sasuke stood. Trees were set alight in amber, the ground blackening under the orange fires, a crater having formed under the impact of the jutsu.

"What the hell?" the man breathed, scanning the flaming shrubbery, all but ignoring the two children sliding out of sight slowly. His eyes flickered over to the movement, widening when they spotted the small figure wreathed in flames. Two blood red eyes stared out, three ash black tomoe spinning. Fire reflected light of the crimson plates of the child-sized armour, spiky red hair blowing out to the side in the faint breeze as Sakura stepped closer and closer to her two siblings. The man stumbled back, eyes wide, face set in realisation. Of what, none of the three of them knew, but they soon found out. "Sanosuke!" He turned towards the compound, backing towards it slowly. "Notify the Elders… Our worst fears have come to pass…" He looked at the shadowed figure atop the fence. "Uchiha Madara has procreated!"

Naruto froze, confusion written on his face. "Eh?"

Sasuke shook, air exploding from his mouth in a loud snort before Naruto clapped a hand over his mouth – his confusion having been replaced by a dawning sense of dread. He dragged his brother back silently, hand firmly in place over his lips, muffling the sniggers as he backed the pair of them into the safety of the shrubbery.

A sea of fire exploded seconds later, their view of their sister's rampage blocked by the lovely green leaves, but it didn't mean they couldn't feel the intensity of the heat or see the way the flames backlit the undergrowth.

Naruto shrugged, releasing his hold on his brother who burst out into laughter almost immediately. "Teme, keep it down…" he hissed.

"But…" Sasuke snickered. "She can't deny it any more…"

"Let's just be grateful her focus has been shifted from us onto the poor suckers out there," he mumbled, steadying himself as another fiery explosion rocked the ground underneath their feet. "Otherwise we'd be the target of that mess."

"Sure, sure," Sasuke mumbled, still giggling quietly. "But we can so totally tease her about this tomorrow."

Naruto sighed. "Shouldn't you be a little bit more worried?" he asked, folding his arms as he sat down on a conveniently placed log. "Those guys saw our sharingans… they know we're Uchiha…"

"People would've found out eventually."

"I suppose you're right," he mumbled, unfurling a sealing scroll, the contents appearing in a puff of smoke. "You want some hot chocolate?" Naruto asked, offering out a clean cup. "I have a feeling we'll be here a while."

Manic cackles reached their ears.

Sasuke took the mug, holding it out for the chocolatey goodness. "Please."


	7. Uzumaki-Uchiha Should Never Be Unleashed

"Did you hear?"

His ears twitched, black eyes narrowing as he sat at the bar, the Uchiwa on his back concealed by the cloak he wore. Something was going on… something interesting, and he'd be the first to report it back to his brother. Everyone had been worried about the sudden spike in the number of clans and their compounds being destroyed with unholy amounts of fire.

"—Clan was destroyed last night, and guess what?" the man continued, oblivious to all the ears listening in. "They say Madara's kids were the ones to do it."

"Madara?" another asked. "As in Uchiha Madara?"

"That's the one." He shuddered. "Those kids are terrifying if all the rumours are true… just like their father…"

Izuna blinked, choosing that moment to get up and slip out of the bar without anyone noticing, mulling over the fact that, according to rumour, he was now an uncle. _Well, _he mused, _it'd certainly be fun breaking the news to his brother…_

* * *

"Anija!" Two hands slammed down on the desk opposite the brunette. "This is serious!"

Hashirama flailed. "But Tobi… everyone's saying Madara has kids… and that they're adorable…"

"No!" Tobirama hissed. "Madara has spawned!" he snarled, glaring right at his brother. "And guess what… with an Uzumaki no less – which means they aren't adorable. They're flame spewing monsters!"

Touka folded her arms, leaning against the wall of Hashirama's office. "Oh… That's why you're so hung up on this…" she mumbled, a small smile curving at her lips.

"What?" Hashirama asked, glancing over at her curiously.

"Mini-Madara was the one to break his nose all those months ago."

Hashirama sniggered. "Pfft."

"Anija, I will break your nose in a minute!" Tobirama hissed, bristling like a cat as he glared indignantly at his brother. "Now stop writing that damn congratulations letter and tell that idiotic Uchiha to deal with his spawn before I run into them."

Mito appeared behind him all of a sudden, resting a tight hand on his shoulder in an almost bone breaking grip. "But you'd certainly bring back three children of Uzumaki descent _alive, _wouldn't you, Tobirama dear?"

Tobirama swallowed audibly.

"Of course he would." Hashirama chuckled, evidently clueless as to all the killing intent his wife was radiating as she held his brother in her grasp.

* * *

Madara was having a great day over in the Uchiha Compound – up until the moment he walked into his office.

Letters upon letters were piled up on his desk, not a single space clear from the sheer volume of them. "What the hell?" he muttered, seating himself down, knowing it was better to get all the paperwork over and done with as quickly as humanly possible. "Why do we have so much mail?"

Izuna hurried into his office, intent on delivering the news he found out last night, blinking when he spotted his brother buried under mounds of paper. "Oh… what's with all the letters?" he mumbled, realisation dawning on his face as he heard his brother's confusion.

"What the hell?" Madara squawked, opening scroll after scroll which all said a similar thing. "Why does everyone think I have children?!"

* * *

_Uchiha-sama,_

_Your pups are running loose and setting fire to everything in the nearby vicinity._

_Please deal with them urgently._

_The Inuzuka Clan_

* * *

_Uchiha-sama,_

_I am unaware of any news of any marriage, so I am afraid I must inform you that you likely have bastard children running about the place._

_Please collect them._

_I await your swift response,_

_Hagoromo Eichi _

* * *

_Uchiha-sama,_

_Kindly control your children._

_Regards,_

_Hyuga Hibiki_

* * *

_Yo, Mads,_

_WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD KIDS?_

_Did you marry an Uzumaki? If so, why wasn't I invited to the wedding? Or are they bastard children? I'm so behind you on that front. Mito hasn't even shown any signs of pregnancy and we've been married for nearly six months now. Congratulations, and I hope this means you'll be up for discussions on peace… you know, so you can raise your kids in a safe environment._

_Hope to hear from you soon,_

_Hashirama_

_Uchiha,_

_Ignore the above and get your damn children under control._

_Senju Tobirama_

* * *

Sakura and Sasuke had been having an alright time – up until the moment Naruto decided it would be in his best interest to prank one of the nearby clans… which was how they'd ended up being chased through the forest at breakneck speed.

"You're an idiot, Naruto!" she hissed, her hands forming a horse sign as she spun around to unleash a fire jutsu to slow their opposition down. "Move it! I'll bring up the rear," she ordered, spewing fire left right and centre at the figures chasing after them.

"You heard her," Sasuke grumbled, following after Naruto as he led them through the forest, careful to ensure they weren't about to be boxed in – if only so Sakura didn't set half the forest alight. Naruto liked nature, and unfortunately, his little sister had a habit of destroying it alongside clan compounds.

"I'll just deal with the closest lot," Sakura said, stopping on the next branch. "I'll catch up with you soon."

Sasuke swore. "Hurry up Naru!" he muttered, sprinting forwards along with his brother as flames erupted behind them.

"I can't!" Naruto mumbled. "There are a bunch of new people up ahead!"

"Just run past them!" he yelled. "It's not like we have an option here!"

Fire raged behind them, and the pair made their decisions, Naruto charging headfirst out of the bushes before swearing audibly, prompting Sasuke to wait in the bushes while his idiot brother dealt with whatever mess he'd gotten himself into.

"Uzumaki?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. The voice sounded vaguely familiar and had a rather ominous feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. He peered out of the shrubbery, stumbling out almost instantly as he spotted the red-armoured figure. There was no mistaking the spiky black hair. Not when they'd seen the miniature red version of it every day.

"Oy!" Sasuke hissed. "Put my brother down!"

Red eyes met his, and Sasuke's sharingan swirled to life – an instinctive reaction drilled into him, unlike the other two, which both probably saved both their lives and doomed them at the same time.

"Sharingan?" Madara spluttered, ignoring the tensing of the rest of his patrol squad. "Red hair… and sharingan…" He blinked. "But… but that means… YOU'RE THOSE DAMNED BRATS THAT EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING IS MINE!"

Sasuke winced at the volume… his poor delicate ears…

"You look nothing like me though," Madara muttered, staring intently at Sasuke for a few moments. "If that one looks like a Mini-Izuna, then why the hell are people saying they're mine?" he snapped, pointing at Sasuke as he spoke, keeping Naruto dangling in the air with his other hand as an odd silence settled in the air around them. "It doesn't make any sense!"

It was at that moment Sasuke realised he couldn't hear the sounds of fire or screams behind him… which meant…

"Get your hands off my brother!"

Yep. That was his sister, leaping through the air towards an incredibly confused Madara. It was almost comical, the way his eyes widened as realisation set in before Sakura's foot slammed into his face, and then Sasuke was hauling Naruto out of the loosened grip. They were all sprinting away in seconds, knowing it was better to retreat than face the wrath of the Uchiha Clan Head.

"Oh…" Madara blinked, rubbing at the red foot marking his face, wincing as his nose twinged. "So that's—WAIT A MINUTE! GET BACK HERE YOU DAMNED—"

"Uchihas…" Ninja appeared out of the trees – the same ones who'd been chasing them across half the forest. "So it was an ambush."

Sakura chuckled to herself, spinning around to stick both middle fingers up at the head of the Uchiha Clan, grinning manically whilst doing so.

The screech of rage was audible for miles.


	8. What to do?

Naruto swung his feet back and forward.

Sasuke stared down at the river from the rock he was sitting on, head resting on his hand.

"So…" Naruto began, the tree branch underneath him creaking ever so slightly as he lost himself in his thoughts. "What are we going to do now?"

His brother shrugged, completely and utterly out of ideas. "Blow shit up?"

"That's Sakura's…" Naruto trailed off, blinking as he looked around, finally noting the absence of their _adorable _pyromaniac sister. It was never a good thing when she vanished – as she occasionally did. _And by that he meant it wasn't good for the safety of others when Sakura went out alone. _An alone Sakura without either of her brothers to hold her back spelled a disaster for whatever enemies she came across. "Sasuke… where the hell is our _cute_ imouto?"

"You think that _thing _is cute?" he asked, shuddering. "Sakura is downright terrifying when she's pissed. You've seen what she's capable of… God help us when she becomes old enough to drink… Oh shit…" Sasuke paled, and Naruto tensed. "We've got to go through puberty again."

"Sasu, don't call Kura a _thing… _and try to be less dramatic about puberty. We've been through it once before, so we can survive it again._" _

"You're not denying the rest?" One eyebrow rose, his voice squeaking. "Proof. Right there. Our little sis is an uncontrollable demon child."

"Basically a less angsty version of you in your teenage years with a side of extra flames."

Sasuke snarled, lunging for his brother, but the sudden boom that rang through the forest knocked him off balance. Fire exploded outwards and upwards less than a mile to their left, the heat brushing past them as they stood there waiting. "Oh," he mumbled, knowing in an instant who'd just caused all that untold destruction and chaos. "So that's where Sakura is…"

"The poor trees…" Naruto muttered. "The amount of collateral is ridiculous…"

"Should we go and stop her?"

Naruto stared at him blankly.

Sasuke nodded. "Yeah, nah…"

"I can hear the manic cackles from here."

* * *

"Oy, Sakura…" Naruto called later that very evening. "What do you want to do next?" he asked, staring at the crackling flames in front of them as they sat around the campfire, toasting marshmallows. They'd found some in a nearby town and were enjoying the spoils of their shopping trip in the safest fashion they could. "As in… we've like, saved that old Sasuke guy lookalike, and we've crushed our nemesis before he could concoct and carry out his nefarious schemes…"

"Dobe, do you even know what half of those words mean?" Sasuke asked, casting a sceptical eye over at his brother. "Or are you just saying them to sound cool? Because you failed, if that was the case."

"Sasuke!" He pouted. "You're always so mean to me."

"I can set him on fire for you, Naru-nii?" Sakura offered, looking all too happy as her hands moved, ready to perform one of the many fire jutsu she'd learnt since going to the past. "Then he'd be a roasted tomato."

"Sakura…" Naruto sighed. "We've talked about your impulse control…"

She scowled. "Direct everything at the enemies."

A blinding smile lit up on his face. "Yep. That's right… so…"

Sakura pouted, hands falling back to her sides. "Hn. I can't burn Sasuke-nii."

Naruto wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug. "That's correct."

"Congratulations, Sakura." Sasuke wiped a fake tear from his eyes, his voice completely flat as he spoke. "You're growing up. I'm so proud."

"But seriously, guuuuys," Naruto moaned, interrupting his siblings before they could begin their nightly squabble. "What the hell are we going to do now? We can't exactly let Kura keep obliterating every clan we come across—"

Sakura scowled. "You really think you can stop me?"

Sasuke pumped his fist. "Burn them to the ground, Saku."

"Well, I think we should create a new goal… and work towards it, OK?" He finished off lamely, cowed under his little sister's glare and his brother's sudden enthusiasm for all things fiery. "So, like, what could it be? What's there still to do before we can go and settle in Konoha?" Naruto folded his arms. "We've done pretty much everything we needed to…"

Sasuke sighed.

Sakura shook her head.

"What?" He stared at them, confused.

"Dobe…" his brother said, sounding pained as he did so. "Konoha hasn't even been formed yet, in case you forgot. The Senju and Uchiha are still officially at war."

"Aha!" Naruto leapt to his feet, pointing at them as they froze, marshmallow half way to their mouths. "That's our goal then – to make Konoha get formed!"

Sasuke stared at him, sceptical still. "Hasn't that been our goal from the very moment we landed in this time? You know, like at the backs of our minds? Uchiha Izuna's death was a big turning point in the battles – us changing that might've affected everything."

"Oh god…" Naruto slapped his face. "Shoot, we need to make them get along… How the hell are we supposed to do that, dammit? I can only Naruto them if I can talk to them without them trying to kill me…"

"Did you really just use your name as a verb?" Sakura asked.

"Yep." He beamed.

Sasuke pinched his nose. "It's simple," he said, turning his stare on his sister. "We give them a bigger problem to worry about."

"Why are you looking at me?"

"Yeah," Naruto added. "Why are you looking at her? She can't get any worse than she already it—"

"Hey!"

"—and she can't really up the destruction any more…" he said, ignoring her interruption, both he and Sasuke descending into a conversation that Sakura couldn't hear as they moved away from her.

Her eyes narrowed.

"Don't you think," Sasuke purred, "that the Uchiha might consider peace if they're occupied with other things that don't involve battle… and if not, well, they'd definitely have less time to fight the Senju, which can only really make the situation better."

"Other things?"

Sasuke's grin was catlike. "Like… babysitting…"

Naruto blinked, glancing back at Sakura before realisation dawned on his face. "Hmm… I think I see where you're going with this…"

"We'd all end up back together once Konoha's formed…" he continued, ignorant to Sakura's growing frown. _What were they plotting now? _"And I think our wonderful imouto needs a strong parental figure in her life right now…"

Naruto's eyebrows rose. "You really think _he'd _be a good influence?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not… but either way, it won't be our problem."

"We could use a break from babysitting, I suppose." Naruto nodded, seemingly agreeing with whatever his brother was planning.

Sakura, meanwhile, was very confused.

_Who on earth were Naruto and Sasuke babysitting?_


	9. In Which Madara Becomes a Father

Water splashed under their feet, absolute terror written across Naruto's face as he led his two siblings towards the sounds of fighting up ahead. It hadn't been his and Sasuke's plan, but the situation they would soon be in was going to be their best opportunity for them to escape their babysitting duties. Of course, that was provided the Kaguya Clan didn't get to them first.

Naruto really didn't need to worry about that.

A wall of flames soon made the bone-wielding maniacs earn a healthy respect for their cute youngest sibling.

"Move it, you idiots," Sakura hissed, fire roaring behind them as she let loose another stream of her favourite element. A savage grin pulled at her lips, fingers weaving through all too familiar hand signs by that point. She'd immolated enough clan compounds by that point to be an expert on flaming destructive jutsu.

Sasuke and Naruto continued on, ready to enact their scheme.

"Are they up ahead?" Sasuke asked, smirking as Naruto nodded. "Let's hope it's not too violent… we're going to have to run right through their battle."

"That we are," Naruto mumbled. "But they aren't throwing about high-powered jutsu anymore… and all their chakra signals have stopped moving about now. The Senju are on the left bank, and the Uchiha are all on the right," he said, water splashing as the pair ran down the river like the well trained ninja they were.

The treeline was thinning, the sounds of shouting growing ever the louder as they made their way closer and closer to what had been the Senju-Uchiha battle, though it was more like the Senju-Uchiha argument by the time they broke the treeline and ran into sight.

* * *

Tobirama had been having a somewhat alright day. He'd woken up with a strange sense of foreboding, had his usual cup of coffee, and then hurried out for an important mission alongside his brother. His day had admittedly taken a turn for the worse when they ran into the Uchiha, but it wasn't completely unsalvageable. Izuna wasn't even there, and neither side were really putting their heart into the fight, so injuries were minimal and the fighting dwindled away. His brother had taken the break in fighting to start spouting off about peace to the blockheaded Uchiha which was quite typical of him, and Tobirama was about ready to drag his idiotic elder sibling back home.

Then he caught sight of red hair, and he knew… _he just knew that things weren't going to go well._

They raced into sight, two of them, and being the excellent sensor he was, Tobirama noticed them first, which meant that Hashirama noticed them next, followed by the father of that _spawn _last.

_The third one still hadn't appeared. _

_Tobirama didn't like that._

_Where was the damned third one, dammit?_

"Hey Madara," Hashirama mumbled, pointing a finger at the two itty bitty children as they ran closer and closer towards them – being pursued by another clan, from what he could tell. _It'd certainly explain why there were multiple chakra signals coming from the trees beside them… and if the roaring flames were any indication, it was also where the third Uchiha-Uzumaki brat was. He was keeping an eye out for that one. He refused to have his nose broken for a second time. _"Aren't those your kids?"

"They are _not _my children!" Madara hissed, bristling like a cat. "I don't have kids!"

_Yeah, _Tobirama thought to himself, _and his hair wasn't white._

"Mito wants to see them anyway," Hashirama said, glancing over at him before looking back at the two boys – _though Tobirama wasn't going to make assumptions. The last child he'd thought was a boy had turned out to be a little upstart of a girl who'd promptly sworn at him and buggered off. _"So are you OK if they come back home with us?"

"They're Uchiha," Madara snarled. "They belong with the clan!"

"They're also Uzumaki," Tobirama drawled, appearing behind the two children as they ran past, grabbing them both by the collars of their shirts. "And guess who has an alliance with the Uzumaki… as well as an actual Uzumaki living with them… Oh that's right… We do."

"Don't sass me, Senju!"

"Well," Hashirama interrupted, rather timidly, casting a wary glance at his brother. "From what I'm aware… you have three kids—"

"For crying out loud," Madara hissed. "I haven't fathered any children! Just look at them, they look nothing like me!"

Hashirama peered at Tobirama's captives… _who were being oddly well-behaved. That fact in itself worried Tobirama. Well-behaved was not usually a word used to describe Uzumaki, and it most certainly didn't apply to the Uchiha either. _"Huh… Then why do people keep saying they're yours?"

It was in that moment that Tobirama noticed an eerie stillness in the forest next to them, along with a distinctly Uzumaki-Uchiha chakra signal moving ever closer to his location.

"Let go of my brothers!"

Tobirama brought his arms in front of his face, uncaring of the two children still dangling in his grasp as he defended his nose. _The brat wouldn't get him that time, _he thought viciously, smirking—

—until a knee rammed into his crotch, and Madara – the bastard – snickered.

"Oy!" The shrill voice of the most unladylike girl he'd ever had the displeasure of encountering pierced his ears. "Why are you two idiots clinging to him?" she demanded, glaring at him and the two boys who'd attached themselves to his arms like limpets as he struggled to recover from the blow the little brat had landed on him. _Again, dammit. _

Tobirama hated Madara 2.0. He hated her so much.

* * *

Sakura glared at Tobirama, savagely smug about the blow she'd landed. "Get down here," she hissed, ignoring Hashirama's soft exclamation of "oh, so that's why everyone thinks they're yours," and Tobirama's "that brat is undeniably your spawn" in favour of glaring at her two siblings.

"You can't take them!" Madara hissed from behind her.

Sakura ignored him. She ignored them all, focusing all her attention on her brothers.

"Uh, Sakura," Naruto called, hiding himself as best as he could behind the Senju's arm. "We've decided to go and meet a relative of ours on the Uzumaki side of things."

She folded her arms. "Well why didn't you tell me about it?"

Sasuke peeked over Tobirama's shoulders. "Me and Naruto are going."

Her eyes narrowed. "What?"

Two hands picked her up under the armpits, a startled Sakura blinking as the registered the large _gloved _hands and the armoured chest she was pulled into.

"Well you can't have them all," Madara hissed, and Sakura already knew exactly who was holding her – hence why she started squirming, but his grip didn't loosen in the slightest.

"I'll send the peace envoy over next Tuesday!" Hashirama called, backing away, the contingent of Senju following with him.

Naruto and Sasuke waved.

Sakura bristled. "You BASTARDS!" she roared. "YOU PLANNED THIS!"

Sasuke's yell was just about audible. "HA! THAT'S RIGHT!"

All in all, she decided, it couldn't be helped that her hands automatically slipped into the horse sign. Of course, the large hand that enclosed her own almost instantly was unexpected, as was the new way she found herself tucked into Madara's armoured chest.

Sakura glared up at him.

Madara stared right back.

"PUT. ME. DOWN."

"No."


	10. You Can't Make Me—Oh Wait, He Can

Sakura scowled, glaring up at the impudent Uchiha holding her, squirming in the blanket she'd been wrapped in after having tried to set numerous people on fire. Madara had grown tired of grabbing her hands in his own, and had promptly unsealed a blanket, wrapped her in it as tightly as possible, before scooping her back up and continuing on with their journey back to the Uchiha Compound. All she could do was try to glare them to death, though she wasn't really allowed to kill the man holding her. He was essential to the creation of her home, so she'd just have to put up with being unable to set the object of her ire on fire.

Sandaled feet met grass instead of branches, the walls of a clan compound looming in front of them, and something inside of her urged her to set it on fire. Probably habits. She'd destroyed far too many clan compounds in the past, mostly for all of them screaming that Uchiha Madara had procreated, as well as calling her – a beautiful little _female _child – a male. She was female through and through, no matter the fluffy, untameable nest of spikes on her head. Anybody who said otherwise would be met with a fiery demise.

"Madara-sama! You've returned," one of the Uchiha waiting for them spoke.

Sakura froze, her body turning deathly still as she felt eyes lock onto her. She was in a den of Uchiha, wrapped inside a blanket, held by their esteemed leader. Shudders ran down her spine. This wasn't going to end well, she just knew it.

"Is that…" the voice trailed off, heads blocking her vision as the Uchiha began to crowd. Fingers pulled at her hair, eyes marvelling at the sheer redness, before Sakura started snapping her teeth at the outstretched hands. "Awww… Your daughter is adorable…"

Sakura scowled, glaring at all of them fiercely. _She was not Madara's daughter. _Besides… who the hell thought attempting to bite people was _cute_? Then again… Uchiha were weird.

"We'll leave you to things," another Uchiha said, smiling indulgently at both her and their leader. "We can't keep you any longer – I'm sure you've got lots of catching up to do… you can introduce her to the clan later…"

"But she's not—" Madara began, pausing as an elderly man patted his arm as he stumbled into the compound.

"Don't worry, Madara-sama… You're not the only on who's had a little romp here and there. Not many people admit to it, though… During my day—"

Madara hurried away, sprinting headlong towards his house, and Sakura, oddly enough, was strangely relieved once he'd shut them inside. It was only once they were safely tucked away from prying eyes that she was set down on the ground, and allowed out of the blanket she'd been wrapped in.

"Nii-san?" a male voice sounded from further inside the house, feet pounding against the wooden flooring, before a slightly less spiky haired Uchiha skidded into view. "You're back…" he trailed off, blinking as he spotted her.

A chill raced up her spine.

"Baby Madara!" Sakura twitched, shivering as she spotted the sparkles in his eyes, and then all of a sudden her feet weren't touching the ground. Her face was smooshed up against a flat chest, her eyes cracking open as she flailed in his grasp.

"Put me down!" she hissed.

"Never, my sweet adorable little niece."

"Izuna, you know I said—"

"Shush, nii-san. She's yours, no matter what you say," he said, and Sakura slammed her fists against him, grumbling as he refused to let her go – and she couldn't exactly make him. It'd ruin all their hard work, and Naruto and Sasuke would complain at her.

Madara sighed. "I'm taking a bath," he muttered. "Keep an eye on her. She has a horrible habit of trying to set everything on fire."

Izuna smirked. "Like father, like daughter…"

Madara twitched.

Sakura waited with bated breath, scowling at the wall as she was forced to sit with her new 'uncle'. Still, she'd probably prefer him over Madara. She only got her preference for ten minutes though, as luck would've had it, since that was when Madara finished with his bath and came back. Gone was his red armour along with his mud splattered clothing, instead replaced with fresh navy blue clothing which looked pretty much identical to that which he'd been wearing before.

"Right," he mumbled, staring down at her. "You stink, so I think it's time you had a bath too."

Sakura scoffed. "Rude."

Madara ignored her, instead picking her up by the back of her shirt, carrying her to the bathroom, plonking her down on the tiles before staring at her expectantly.

She stared right back up at him. "Well?"

"I don't know how you washed yourself before but you're supposed to take your clothes off you know," he said, folding his arms, glaring at her pointedly.

"I can bathe by myself, thank you very much."

Madara sighed, waving his arms about. "Well, responsible adults are supposed to make sure their kids—"

"You finally admit she's yours then, nii-san?"

"Shut up, Izuna!" he hissed, hair bristling as he glared at the closed door – where the voice had come from. "I'm her guardian now – that's all. She's… she's my ward! That's all!"

Sakura could hear him skip away. "Keep telling yourself that, nii-san!"

"To get back to the matter at hand, I'm simply trying to ensure you don't drown, that you actually clean yourself up like a civilised human being, and not some forest-born barbarian… and besides, it's not like you've got anything to hide."

Her eye twitched, a forced smile spreading across her face as her hands slipped into the horse sign.

Madara was there in seconds, hand clamped over her own, a scowl on his face as he lifted her back off the ground. "Right, so we're doing this the hard way," he mumbled.

"You bet your ass!"

"Language!"

"Screw you!" she hissed, glaring up at him, knees up to her chest, arms covering her as best she could as Madara held up her old clothes, tossing them to one side before he grabbed a bucket.

Steam rose from the bucket, Sakura's eyes narrowing on it.

Warm water.

There was warm water inside that thing…

Sakura wasn't too sure how she felt about that. She was used to cold water, so when it was upended over her head, she hissed and scuttled backwards as fast as she could.

"For crying out loud!" Madara hissed, advancing on her with the shampoo. "Stop running away and sit down on the damn stool!"

"You can't make me!"

"Is that a challenge?!"

Sakura stuck out her tongue.

Needless to say, she soon found herself seated on the small wooden stall, scrubbing brush in hand as she tried to remove as much of the gunk off her skin as possible. Madara was busy with her hair, and Sakura wasn't sure how her life could get any more embarrassing. _THE _Uchiha Madara was washing her hair. Sakura wanted to sink into the ground, or preferably run away as quickly as possible.

She soon got her chance, and she took it, not like there was any other option. Her dignity was already dead and buried in the ground. She snatched the nearest towel, bolting through the door as she wrapped it around herself. Sakura could totally find herself some new clothing. Escaping the Uchiha came first.

Her bare feet slapped against the wooden flooring, a bemused Izuna sidestepping as she charged down the hallway.

"Dammit, Sakura!" Footsteps sounded in pursuit. "Get back here and have your damned bath!"

"NEVER!"


	11. Koi Ponds and Kerfuffles

Sasuke and Naruto paused outside the bedroom door, twin smirks on their lips as they caught the sounds of the conversation within. Their little trek back to the Senju Compound had been surprisingly uneventful, despite the few fires they'd heard being set off behind them, but eventually they'd dwindled away – rather abruptly too. It had been late evening by the time they'd finished getting settled with Mito-kaa-chan, and they'd been sent off to their new rooms for the night. But they were missing a body they usually cuddled up with, so they'd decided to replace their beloved younger sister's body heat with someone else's… especially if it meant interrupting _sexy _time, as Naruto had so eloquently put it.

"Hashirama, the kids are across the hall…"

"We can be quiet." They could hear his pout through the walls. "Besides… the Elders are getting quite frantic about producing an heir as of late."

"Probably thanks to Madara's—"

Naruto slammed the door open, racing into the room. "Kaa-chan! We can't sleep…" He gave his best puppy dog eyes. "Can we stay with you tonight?"

Sasuke trailed behind him, hesitantly peering out from behind his brother, sighing in relief when he noted that all nightwear was still on. "Please." He implored, not looking at Hashirama at all – his attention focused on their apparent new mother.

Mito smiled, patting the bed next to her. "Of course, Naruto-kun… Sasuke-kun…" she said, ignoring how her husband's face fell as two small bodies joined them, both clinging to his wife like leeches. "There wasn't anything wrong with your rooms, was there?"

"Nah… we just kinda… miss Sakura…"

Mito stared between them intently. "Well, you should've—"

"I mean… she was really warm… which kept me and Sasuke warm… and she was squishy… kinda like a portable pillow," Naruto mumbled, ignorant of the saucy wink Sasuke sent Hashirama's way as he snuggled into Mito's chest.

"Dobe, the Senju Compound would've been on fire, and that saucy white-haired Senju would've had an aneurism by now if we'd brought the hellion back with us too," Sasuke said, making himself comfy as Hashirama pulled the covers over his head at settled down on the other side of the bed.

Mito blinked. "Saucy?" she murmured to herself.

Naruto and Sasuke shared matching grins.

"Wonder how our wonderful imouto is doing over with the Uchiha," Naruto said, settling down next to Mito with a sigh. "Probably setting things on fire…"

"Or running naked around the compound…" Sasuke muttered.

"Pfft," Naruto snickered. "What are you on about? Sakura? Running around… wait, OK. I can actually see her doing that. She's certainly crazy enough to…"

Giggling, they stared at the ceiling, watching as time flew past them, sighing as they tossed and turned, trying to get themselves to sleep. Naruto yawned, on the verge of dropping off, snapping back to his senses as he heard a loud guzzle sort of sound coming from next to him. His eyes flickered open, catching sight of the matching black ones on the other side of their new mother.

"Sasuke… is someone snoring?" he asked, irritation clawing at him.

_"You'd be correct, kit," _Kurama's voice echoed in his mind. _"The oaf behind you is… though I'd certainly recommend doing something about it… he's had it coming for a long time."_

"Yep, Naru-nii…" Sasuke grumbled.

Naruto grinned foxily. "Wanna do something about it?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Like what?"

"Well… there is a really nice koi pond outside… that could probably use a Senju-shaped decoration in the waters."

"What an excellent idea," Sasuke purred.

* * *

"Anija… why is there algae in your hair?" Tobirama stared at his brother from across the table as they ate their breakfast. "And why did I find you sleeping on the floor outside your room? What did those red-haired demons do?"

"Why do you automatically assume it's them?" Hashirama pouted at him. "It's not nice to—"

"Are you saying it wasn't their doing?" One white eyebrow rose. "Really?"

"Well, no—"

"Ha. Knew it."

"But anyway… me and Mito will be spending the day together… so would you mind—"

"No."

"I didn't even finish my question yet."

Tobirama scowled. "You were going to ask me to take care of the little devils—"

"Yep." Hashirama grinned, and suddenly he was on the other side of the door, pulling it shut as he hurriedly spoke. "Thanks for agreeing—"

"I didn't agree to anything!"

"—and have fun!" The door slammed shut, footsteps thudding as the esteemed Senju Clan Head ran away from his dearest brother.

"ANIJA!" he roared. "GET BACK HERE!"

* * *

Hashirama yawned, stretching his arms above his head, glancing sideways at his wife as they ate their dinner. "It's nice to take a day off every now and then… and with the peace talks coming up we should be able to have more days like this."

"That's nice, dear," Mito mumbled, sipping at her tea. "But first I think we'd best go and find out where my kids are…"

The door slammed open all of a sudden, a body falling into the room, face down. "Never… again…" Tobirama croaked, feebly reaching towards his brother. "Anija…"

"Tobi…" Hashirama was at his side in seconds. "Tobi, what's wrong? What happened?"

Tobirama slumped into him.

"Tobi! Tobi! No… don't close your eyes! Don't leave—"

Red eyes cracked open, glaring up at his brother. "Shut up, you overdramatic fool!" he hissed. "I'm trying to sleep!"


	12. Life in the Uchiha Compound

Sakura scowled, rubbing her eyes as she stared down at the bowl of rice and assorted fish in front of her. She hated warm baths now, especially with her childish body. Yawning, she picked at her dinner, scowling as her eyelids drooped. She wasn't supposed to be tired. She was supposed to be readying herself to escape, but warm baths apparently made her sleepy. _Though she refused to fall asleep… especially at the table. She was in enemy territory. She couldn't let her guard down. _Rice smooshed against her cheek moments later, eyes closing in the next second as her face slammed down into her dinner.

"Awww," Izuna cooed. "She fell asleep in her dinner…"

Madara sighed. "I'm not surprised… with all the running around she just did," he grumbled, having chased her all around the compound until she'd tripped over her own feet and promptly faceplanted the ground. The small, red-haired version of him – he couldn't deny her uncanny resemblance, _but that didn't mean a damn thing_ – was annoyingly fast and slippery, though the latter might've had something to do with the soap she'd been lathered in.

"Where's she even going to sleep?" Izuna tilted his head, staring down at the small red-haired version of his brother. "We don't have a room set up for her just yet."

"There's a spare futon in my room," Madara said, sighing as he ran a hair through his fluffy locks. "Besides, I have the strangest feeling she'll be trying to go on another little adventure as soon as she wakes up."

"Aww, you do care about your daughter…"

"She's not my daughter, dammit!" Madara hissed, hair fluffing up. "I've never even had sex!"

"Sure." Izuna nodded. "Keep telling yourself that, nii-san."

"I. AM. A. VIRGIN," he hissed, enunciating every single word. "She can't be mine, and neither can those other two brats."

"_Of course, _nii-san… whatever you say."

"Dammit Izuna! Don't sound so damned sceptical," Madara snarled, pointing his finger in his brother's face. "Don't you believe me?"

"Not particularly," Izuna said, glancing over at the sleeping redhead, cooing at the small snuffling noises she made in her sleep. "Look, she even makes the same sleeping noises you did when you were a kid."

"Hn." Madara set down his bowl, scowling as he lifted Sakura out of her dinner, eager for their little problem to be out of sight and out of mind. "I'll go tuck our _ward _in."

"I'll set up a room for your daughter tomorrow, _Mads,_" he called, smirking as his brother stumbled, head snapping back around so he could glare in his direction.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Madara stomped away, skidding back into view seconds later as he realised he'd forgotten something. "And she _is not _my daughter!"

* * *

Sure enough, Madara woke to the sounds of small feet padding quietly across the room, his eyes cracking open when he heard the screech of a window. He was at the window in seconds, hefting his annoyance of a ward up by the scuff of her nightshirt's collar. "Right, breakfast time," he said, ignoring the complaints as he carried her downstairs, blinking in surprise as he spotted Izuna behind the stove.

"Put me down!" Sakura hissed, squirming in his hold, eyeing the ground a considerable distance from her stubby toes.

"Nii-san!" Izuna turned holding up a small outfit, which looked suspiciously like a miniaturised version of his own. "Look what I found for my adorable little niece!"

He set his ward down, keeping her in the corner of his eye as he went and collected his ward's new clothing courtesy of his brother.

Sakura, meanwhile, stared at the cup on the table, eyeing the brown liquid. _It wasn't hot chocolate, _but she was thirsty enough not to care as she gulped it down, making a face at the bitter taste.

Madara blinked. "Was that your coffee?"

Izuna nodded. "Yep."

* * *

"Izuna." Madara stared at the burning building in front of them. Thankfully it had been abandoned and ready for demolition, so there was no harm done. "We are never letting her drink any form of caffeinated beverage again."

Izuna stared at the flames, mesmerised. "Yep." He nodded viciously. "Never again."

"Saku… dammit where the hell did she go?" Madara looked from side to side, noting the absence of the tiny redhead who'd been there only seconds before.

Fire exploded some fifty metres to their left.

Izuna pointed towards it. "That way."

* * *

Hikaku walked through the compound, documents piled in his arms. They needed to be sorted by Izuna and Madara before anything could be done. Things were getting busier, especially with peace talks with the Senju underway. The meeting time was fast approaching and—

A gigantic ball of fire spun into existence behind some walls, large enough to peek over the top, but Hikaku was fairly certain there weren't any training grounds that way. All around him, Uchiha tensed, ready for an attack.

"SAKURAAA!"

Hikaku resumed his walking along with his other clanmates, knowing it'd likely be Izuna dealing with all the documents in his hands. Madara would be busy with his daughter, teaching her all those fire jutsu she was eagerly trying out, like the cute enthusiastic Uchiha she was. _Just another day in the Uchiha Compound._

* * *

"Get off me!" Sakura hissed, clinging to the wooden support as best she could. "I had a bath yesterday!"

"We have regular baths in this household, young lady!"

"You can't make me!"

"YES I CAN!"

Izuna sipped at his tea.

* * *

Madara sat down at the table, collapsing back on the floor as Izuna flicked through a scroll, moonlight pouring through the open doors. "We are never letting her eat sugar ever again," he muttered, rolling himself onto the pillows. "Add it to the 'Sakura's Banned Food and Beverages' list."

Izuna hummed, taking the sheaf of paper they had stuck to one of the cupboards, neatly scrawling sugar at the bottom of the growing list.

* * *

"Sakura, sweetie…" Madara held out his hands, slowly advancing on the girl. "Put the chocolate bar down…"

* * *

"I thought you said we'd never let her eat sugar again—Wait." Izuna peered over his older brother's shoulder. "Why are you coating your senbon in poison?"

"It'll only make her sleepy, I swear."

"Madara. No."

"Madara, yes."

"Nii-san, you can't poison a child!"

Madara stared at the flaming red-haired spiky ball of menace. "Does that thing really count as a child?"

* * *

Hikaku stared at the sleeping child on Madara's lap as he looked through his documents. "Ah, so she's finally settling down," he mumbled, handing Izuna another stack of scrolls and papers.

Madara shifted in his seat. "Yeah… she just got really sleepy all of a sudden."

"Probably all the running around she's been doing." Hikaku chuckled.

* * *

"He totally suspects something," Madara muttered, absentmindedly ruffling the red locks splayed across his chest.


	13. How to Drive Tobirama Insane

Sasuke stared at the super-secret scroll Naruto had stolen from the depths of Tobirama's lab, smirking as Naruto cleared a space under the man's bed to hide it. They hadn't been slacking off the past few weeks – both of them dedicated and delighted to take part in the campaign they'd started against the adult who seemed to despise their very existence. They didn't understand why he was so riled up.

_They hadn't done anything major last week. That had just been the warm up._

He and Naruto shared a grin, sliding it into place before retreating from their wonderful new 'uncle's' room, careful not to leave a single trace of their presence. Tobirama was gone for the week on a small mission for the clan – after which he'd be stuck there helping with ironing out the new treaty and possible village plans.

This was there preparation time, and it was working like a charm.

"Focus our efforts on his bedroom – everything except for his lab," Sasuke hissed, and Naruto pouted.

"But the lab would be the best place for all our pranks!" he grumbled, pouting like the child he looked like. "Come on, Sasuke, at least let me do a couple… who cares about health and safety!"

"I know that, dobe," Sasuke said, an evil grin forming on his lips. "Which is why we're going to do the most subtle prank in his lab."

Naruto pouted. "Subtle is no fun!"

"Think of it this way – Tobirama is a logical person, and he'd very orderly, as we can see… so don't you think he'd know his lab would be the best place for all our pranks." Sasuke folded his arms. "He'd be expecting to get pranked, so if it looks like it isn't pranked he'll get suspicious, and he'll drive himself up the wall trying to figure out what we've done."

Naruto blinked. "So what are we actually gonna do?"

"Move everything in his lab two centimetres to the left."

* * *

"Bet you he stumbles into something in the first hour," Sasuke said, waving the money Mito had given him.

Naruto grinned. "You're on."

* * *

"GOD DAMMIT!" The roar came from inside the room, and Sasuke checked the clock.

"Ten minutes, dobe. Pay up."

"Ugh."

* * *

"Anija, have you seen my scroll?" Tobirama walked into the room as they were eating breakfast, and the pair kept their faces perfectly straight. _They knew exactly where his special scroll had ended up, but they weren't going to ruin the fun. _

"Uh, Tobi, you have lots of scrolls…" Hashirama mumbled, chewing on his food.

"The one with all the dangerous jutsu."

"Uh, Tobi, you have lots of scrolls with dangerous jutsu…"

One white brow twitched. "The one I usually keep locked inside a sealed compartment inside my lab. It's white in colour on the outside with the kanji for 'may explode' written on it."

"Oh! That one…" Hashirama tilted his head. "Isn't it still in there?"

"I wouldn't be asking if it was!" Tobirama scowled, his eyes locking on the two of them who peered up at him innocently, tilting their heads in unison. "You two have something to do with this, don't you?"

"Don't blame them without proof, Tobi-chan." Mito's hand clamped down on his shoulder, and Tobirama shuddered. "Maybe you were working with it in your room and it's somewhere in there?"

Naruto smirked. _Mito was an absolute godsend. _

* * *

Tobirama trudged back into his room, having resealed the highly dangerous scroll back in its box, improving the sealing formula keeping it locked away. He was tired, bruised, and utterly exhausted from the mission and his own clumsiness in his lab – _and he was certain those brats had something to do with that. He just didn't know how… _

Yawning, he shut his eyes sighing in relief at the softness of his pillow. Finally some peace and quiet—

_Tick._

_Tock._

_Tick._

_Tock._

His eyes snapped open. He most certainly didn't have one of those annoying ticking clocks in his room. Closing his eyes again, he sighed. He could ignore the sound—

_Tick._

_Tock._

_Tick._

_Tock._

Tobirama scowled.

_He was so totally going to murder those brats._

* * *

He woke up, the clock well and truly broken. It'd been a good nights sleep, thankfully, so he was feeling slightly less murderous. Stumbling into the bathroom, he froze, taking a note of the hair on his head.

It was pink.

Neon pink.

"YOU BRATS!"

* * *

"Want to test out these explosive notes?" Naruto asked, waving the stack in front of his face.

"Brother dearest, you should already know my answer," Sasuke muttered drily. "Of course I damn well want to, now gimmie."

"Nononono—PUT THOSE DOWN!"

"Kai!"

Fire exploded into the sky.

"Pretty," Sasuke mumbled, blinking as another explosion happened a considerable distance away from the Senju Compound which meant—

"Nice to see our imouto is having fun too," Naruto said proudly.

* * *

"Run, Sasuke!" Naruto yelled, laughing even as they were chased by an enraged white-haired Senju. "We need to put the flagpole in the centre square!"

Sasuke ran faster, all too aware of the man on their heels as he carried the flagpole of their favourite Senju's underwear through the Senju Compound.

"GET BACK HERE!"

Naruto stuck out his tongue.

Sasuke just winked saucily at the man who'd played a major role in his Clan's demise. _Revenge was indeed a dish best served cold. _


	14. ESCAPE!—Or Not…

Madara sighed in relief as he lead his group of Uchiha out on a mission. _He was escaping the little hellion and all the chaos she wrought_. It was the traditional set up – he, the Outguard Head, leading five other Uchiha across the country to set fire to a set of rice fields on another merchant's orders. It was a simple mission, and Hashirama had confirmed the Senju wouldn't be anywhere near there. The tenuous peace they'd found would be safe for the time being. _There was also the peace he was enjoying while outside the compound… no flames… no screaming child to chase after… no mud-caked clothes to try and wash… no reluctant brat to try and force into the bath. _He didn't understand the brat's aversion to warm water. They were a fire-natured clan for a reason.

He glanced to his left, at Hikaku who was carrying a large bag full of their supplies on his back. Storage scrolls were precious and couldn't afford to be wasted on small missions like the one he was on. It was emblazoned with the Uchiwa, as was everything they wore, and it was mov— Madara blinked. _The bag was moving?_

A shudder ran down his spine.

Red hair was the first thing he saw as the bag popped open, stomach clenching at the spiky styling and the smaller version of his face that appeared. "So where are we going then?" Sakura asked, looking eagerly over at him, a smug grin pulling at her lips as his foot missed the next tree branch and he stumbled face first into the nearest tree.

"Sakura!" he hissed, vein in his forehead throbbing. "What are you doing?!"

"Just chilling out in this bag, why?"

"DON'T YOU WHY ME, YOUNG LADY!" he snarled, leaping over to where Hikaku had placed the bag down – Sakura still inside. "You're supposed to be with Izuna in the compound…"

_Hikaku had already moved away from the danger zone._

"Get out of there right now," Madara ordered, looming over her, hands on hips, restraining his killing intent as best he could (he'd already tried that, and her own killing intent actually unnerved him instead – _how did a child have such a potent killing intent?_).

One red eyebrow rose. "And if I don't?"

He pulled open the bag, yanking her out of there like a naughty kitten, her legs dangling in mid-air as he held her above the ground – the drop a perilous height. _Well, perilous for any other brat aside from the flaming little monster child in his grasp, _Madara mused. "We're returning to the compound."

"Awww!" Sakura pouted. "But I wanna set things on fire!"

One finger levelled at her face. "NO. BAD GIRL."

"Hn." Sakura scowled. "Tell you what, if you let me come along with you and set things on fire I'll spare your underwear from the bonfire I'm planning…"

Madara twitched, and Sakura knew she had to pull out all the stops.

Large eyes watered, big pools of black staring pleadingly up into the narrowed matching ones. Her lower lip quivered, and his face spasmed. "Pretty please?"

Scowling he turned away, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Fine. _FINE. _You can come," he muttered. "BUT…" He swivelled back, tucking her under his arm, tightening his grip on her so she couldn't slip away like the slippery eel she was. "You are having a bath when we get back. A proper one."

"I changed my mind," Sakura said almost instantly. "Can we go back to the compound?"

"NO."

* * *

"Who the hell taught you to hold a kunai like that?" he grumbled, grabbing an enemy nin by the neck. "You stab them there," he said, taking his daughter's hand, guiding it kunai and all into the nearest vital spot. "They'll bleed out quicker that way."

"Oh." Sakura blinked, blood spotted face cracking into a grin as she stared up at him. "Thanks tou-san!"

Madara turned away, hiding the flush rising in his cheeks, nearly freezing when a kunai soared past him – a few strands of sliced red hair fluttering through the air in front of him. _Well, _he mused, not bothering to even look as her hands slipped into the horse seal, _those idiots were dead. Only an imbecile would touch either his or his daughter's magnificent locks._

"It's Uchiha Madara's son!"

Madara snorted, folding his arms as the wall of flames erupted almost instantly. "What are you idiots going on about?" he muttered, soon ruffling the soft fluffy red locks of the fire breathing child next to him. _They were so fluffy and soft, like a cat's fur, and he loved cats. All Uchiha did_. "She's clearly my daughter—"

"Ha!" Izuna appeared next to him in a flash, and Madara blinked. _His brother had been following him the entire time?_ "You finally admit she's yours, my sweet _virgin _of a brother," he purred, that mocking grin on his face.

"Shut up, Izuna!" he hissed, bristling like the cats he so loved.

"No shouting at me otherwise this time?" He leant forwards, a wide, _wide_ smirk on his lips. "I guess the clan finally have their heir now."

"Hn."

Izuna slapped his back, snorting at him like the unhelpful brother he was. "Grab your _daughter,_ Mads. We're heading back now – the mission is complete," he said, glancing around at the flaming carnage that was mostly the fault of him and his daughter.

Madara scooped up his cackling pyromaniac of a daughter, cradling her to his armoured chest, keeping a wary eye out for any fire techniques that might be aimed at him. "Hashirama's letter was a bad influence on you," he said, glaring daggers at his brother. _The brat wouldn't stop calling him 'Mads' now, and it was truly and utterly that oaf's fault. _Sighing, he continued on their journey through the trees, silently lamenting the fact that Sakura was now officially his daughter. _Despite the fact he was truly and utterly a virgin and therefore couldn't be her biological father… _She wasn't cute in the slightest whenever she tried to—wait, the cackles were kind of cute… as was the bloodthirsty grin on the miniature slightly more feminine version of his face. _He'd almost forgotten he once used to be that small. _It was just _so _Uchiha—

_Fuck_, he thought, staring down at the _adorable _little red-haired version of him.

_He was attached._


	15. Peace Talks and Violent Reunions

"The peace talks begin tomorrow," Izuna mumbled, sitting in the warm water of the Clan's baths, glancing over at their cousin Naori as she sat on the other side. _They were all clan members and had no need to worry about peepers. _"I wonder how Sakura's brothers have been getting on with Tobi-chan…"

"The Elders are making a fuss already," Naori informed him, opening her mouth to continue, only to be cut off by the all too familiar voice of his niece.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

Sakura clung to the wooden support as she had many a times before, hissing like an angry cat as she stared at the pools of water that her so-called father was trying to drag her towards.

"Sakura, stop being a little brat and take your damned bath," Madara hissed, furiously tugging at her ankles as she all but hugged the wooden pillar. "We're meeting with the Senju and your brothers for the peace talks tomorrow, so for the love of all that's holy stop being difficult!"

"NEVER!"

"Aww," Izuna mumbled, sighing longingly as he relaxed into the waters even further. "My niece is so adorable when she gets like this…"

Madara shot him a glare from across the flagstones. "Say that again and you can try and get her in the water," he barked, still trying to pry Sakura from the wooden support. "Sakura, you are representing the Uchiha. You need a bath."

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" she snarled.

"Yes I can!" he hissed. "Water Style: Water Prison Jutsu," Madara declared, having already dropped her ankles all of a sudden to weave the hand signs, and then Sakura was trapped in a ball of cold freezing heavy water. She let go of her support, snarling and kicking wordlessly as best she could, even as the water dropped away and Madara scooped her up and dragged her over to where the soaps and shampoos were.

"Family bath time," Izuna crowed, giggling under the glare Sakura shot his way – which really lost its affect with Madara scrubbing at her hair, lathering the shampoo there.

_Sakura refused to admit it felt nice on her scalp either. _Hot water was dunked over her head, washing away the hair product, leaving her very much looking like a drowned cat. Her gloriously spiky red hair was pressed flat against her skull, and Sakura decided enough was enough. _She'd be getting her revenge._

Muttering curses under her breath, she grabbed the bottle of shampoo, upending it over the irritatingly glossy spiky locks. He'd been sitting down already, so she'd had to stand on her tiptoes just to do that thanks to her irritating lack of height. Her hands yanked on his hair, crushing into his scalp under the guise of washing his hair for him. She smiled vindictively. _Revenge was sweet. _

All too soon though, her wonderful revenge was over and she was being carried towards the pool of warm water by a suspiciously smiley Madara. _The water which made her sleepy. _She entered with a splash, sitting on the child-sized ledge so she didn't wind up swimming. Sure, it might not have been that deep for an adult, but as her childish body liked to remind her she technically was not. _How else was she supposed to explain the sleepiness after bath time?_

She yawned, the hot water making her dizzy as she was forced to sit in it for longer than she ever had previously. Her cheeks were flushed and she blinked rapidly, almost sighing in relief as the blackness crept into her vision and she flopped in the water with a splash.

Sakura wasn't all too sure what happened after that, only aware of shouts of her name, followed by the sudden ability to breathe clean air again, and then she had gone to sleep. She was wonderfully comfortable, and her mattress was squishy and heated. _She could sleep forever—_

"AWWWW!"

Her eyes slitted open, her wonderful nap interrupted by the sound of Izuna cooing. He'd cooed far too much when she was around for some reason, so she was intimately familiar with the sound.

Just as intimately as her so-called uncle was then acquainted with fire.

Her hands slipped into the horse sign, molten chakra flaring from her lips, and then the wall exploded outwards, startling the mattress underneath her into consciousness.

"Sakura?!" Madara hissed.

"Quiet, mattress," she grumbled, tucking her head back into the crook of his neck, falling back asleep on top of her talking mattress without another word. _It turned out Madara had his uses after all. He made for an excellent pillow._

* * *

"Madara!" Hashirama waved him over. "Glad you could make it—Wait…" He peered closer at him. "Are you using a new face cream?"

Madara sputtered. "What the hell are you going on about Hashirama?" he asked, ignoring Tobirama who was burying his face in his hands.

"Your eyebags don't look as prominent!"

"_Hashiramaaaa!" _Madara hissed, taking a deep breath, composing himself abruptly, one hand mussing in the spiky red locks of his daughter who sat next to him primly. "Did you bring my sons like I asked you to?"

Izuna smirked beside him.

"_Not. A. Word_," Madara snarled.

"I'm saying nothing, nii-san," Izuna said, grinning all the while.

"Oh, Naru-chan and Sasuke-chan are playing outside. Mito's keeping an eye on them," Hashirama said, waving towards the screen doors that led to the engawa and down into the garden. "Sakura-chan probably wants to go and see her brothers, doesn't she?"

Madara turned to her. "Sakura?"

She grinned. "Yes, tou-san," she said, nodding vigorously. "I wanna go and _play _with my brothers."

Madara nodded, watching as she went and trotted off with those small adorable limbs of hers. _Children were oddly cute, especially when they were miniature versions of him with red hair. _

"Oh, and Madara," Hashirama lifted a parcel from the empty seat where Mito should've sat. "I remembered you complaining in your letter that you couldn't find one, so I made this for you to give to your daughter." He beamed, ignoring Tobirama's loud sigh of exasperation. "At least, I assume it's for her… I'm glad you're getting along!"

Izuna nodded sagely. "Yeah, my cute little niece has been getting friendlier with us – I mean on the way over here she only tried to set us on fire _seven _times. Only seven! It's a real improvement."

Madara smiled, unwrapping the small miniature gunbai. _His daughter really was so adorable… _

Fire exploded outside, the flare of heat and light very visible through the open doors. The ground started shaking rhythmically all of sudden, and Madara hummed to himself, wondering about the best time to present his adorable daughter with her present.

"Awww," Izuna mumbled, staring at the flames bursting into view every couple of minutes. "Looks like Saku-chan is having fun with her brothers."

Hashirama and Tobirama stared outside with blank faces.

"I'll go and give her this present," Madara mumbled, hefting the miniaturised version of his favourite weapon up with ease. "She's been such a good girl as of late, and she hasn't even burnt down any buildings that weren't scheduled for demolition in the last few weeks…"

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke blinked, staring at the sight in front of them with unconcealed horror as their loving sister smiled up at Uchiha Madara – _whom she should've hated _– and chirped, "Thanks, tou-san!"

Naruto gulped, eyeing the smaller version of Madara's gunbai in Sakura's hands. _The present Madara had just given her all of a sudden._

Sasuke watched as Madara ruffled his sister's spiky red hair before heading back inside.

Sakura's grin turned outright sadistic, and she hefted her gunbai. "Come on Sasuke-nii… Naruto-nii… _Let's play._"

"Naruto, why in the ever-loving hell did we think leaving Sakura with _Madara _was a good idea?"


	16. Hide and Seek and Stab

Tobirama was wearing the most armour Madara had ever seen him in, and that was a lot – considering he prioritised speed over defence on the battlefield. A smirk bloomed to life on his face, and he ruffled his daughter's hair as she sat right next to him, tired out after playing with her brothers. Speaking of which, they sat on the other side of the table, next to Mito, and as far away from Tobirama as possible. _Seemed like all his children were giving the Senju Bastard hell. _His sons weren't as apt at dodging fire jutsu as he was, so it was hardly a surprise when they'd wandered in, clothing scorched in places. Their red hair was a mess too, and it looked far shinier and messier than his daughters, _but Madara liked the fluffiness of her hair. _It was so much like his own. _Seemed Naruto and Sasuke had gotten the shininess from their mother – whoever that had been._

"We've drafted a treaty, but I do believe we'll need to confer on some of the terms," Hashirama said, and Mito sipped at her tea. His oldest son also sipped from his cup of what Madara assumed to be hot chocolate. _It couldn't be anything else. _He peered at the dark brown liquid, shudders running down his spine as the smell wafted over to him.

Madara shuffled back, eyeing his eldest, clamping a hand down on his brother's shoulder. "He's drinking coffee…"

Izuna blinked, eyes snapping onto Naruto, a beat of sweat rolling down his neck. "I noticed a while back, nii-san," he said, hands clasped in front of him, ready to fire off the water jutsu necessary. "I'm prepared."

"Good."

Hashirama blinked. "What are you going on about?"

"Why did you give him coffee?" Madara asked, staring at the oddly calm Uzumaki-Uchiha sitting on the opposite side of the table. _He was so still it was almost unnatural._

"Naru-chan?" Hashirama blinked. "Oh, he loves coffee! It helps him relax."

"Relax?" Madara echoed, brow furrowing.

Naruto sipped at his coffee, staring at the table as the conversation about him continued on around him. "It tastes wonderful. Mito-kaa-chan makes the bestest coffee in the world…" he said, humming as he drank another mouthful. "But Sasuke always gets really twitchy when he drinks it for some reason… no idea why."

"Sakura-chan," Hashirama spoke, smiling at his _adorable _daughter. "Are you liking my wife's coffee too?"

Madara froze.

Izuna blinked. "What?" he hissed, spinning to stare at the cup in Sakura's hands. It was over halfway empty already. "Why would you give her coffee?!"

"Oh," Hashirama continued, oblivious to the growing threat. "I went and asked her what her favourite drink was after she'd finished playing outside!"

"Fool…" Madara whispered, paling rapidly. "Utter fool…"

Tobirama blinked in confusion.

"So, Sakura-chan, are you liking it?" Hashirama asked, smiling kindly at her.

Sakura's grin was all teeth. "Delicious."

Izuna whimpered.

Madara was on his feet in seconds, helping Izuna out the door as they sprinted out into the garden. "Izuna. Bunker jutsu. Now," he hissed, not bothering to watch as the house exploded into flames behind them – though they were soon quelled by a gigantic water dragon.

In all honesty, he was oddly glad Tobirama was there.

_Now he didn't have to worry about putting the fires out. _

* * *

Sakura pouted as she stared at the freshly reconstructed house. _It had looked so much better on fire. _She'd have loved to set it on fire again, but the pre-Nidaime was on her case now – and he was watching her like one of her father's hawks. So rather than _'practicing her fire style' _as her father put it, she was sitting at a table with her brothers, stroking her miniature gunbai all the while.

"I'm bored," Naruto grumbled, voicing her own thoughts exactly.

Sasuke just remained, staring between her and her gunbai nervously.

"I wanna set stuff on fire," Sakura muttered, flopping onto her back. _She'd had a bit too much fun with Naruto and Sasuke earlier, so all her revenge had been spent. _She sighed happily, remembering the thrill of chasing them around the Senju Compound, gunbai and fire jutsu at the ready. "The ceiling would look so much better aflame…"

Tobirama coughed. "Hardly."

"Hn. You have no taste, _Senju_."

"Then I guess we have no choice," Naruto said, and Sakura perked up, a smirk splitting at her lips at the glint of mischief in her brother's eyes. Sasuke sat up straight, the look in his eye almost demonic in nature. They turned as one, their eyes locking on the red set of the man who'd been left in charge of them, matching grins on their faces.

Tobirama stepped backwards, feeling a frission of fear that trickled down his spine.

Sakura bared her teeth as their white-haired minder promptly vanished, excitement building as she thought of the chase and the numerous fire jutsu at her disposal. "Let the hunt begin."

* * *

Madara sat on the engawa, watching the sun set, Izuna and Hashirama sitting on either side of him. The talks would continue the next day, but for now, they had a chance to relax. The breeze was nice, as was the temperature, and it was oddly peaceful. _Part of him slightly missed constantly watching the shenanigans of his daughter, but peace and quiet was nice. _At least until Tobirama appeared in front of them.

"Ugh. Senju, what do you—"

A blade stabbed through his abdomen, metal gleaming in the light.

"Tobi…" Hashirama whispered, eyes widening.

Tobirama erupted in a puff of smoke.

"Awww," Sakura groaned, pouting as she stared at the empty space in front of her. "That's number eleven down."

Hashirama blinked.

Izuna blinked.

Madara grinned. "I have taught you well, Saku-chan," he mumbled, blinking as his daughter leapt into him for a hug, blade discarded on the ground behind her.

"Tobi-oji started playing hide and seek all of a sudden," Sakura said, sitting on her father's lap, smiling as Izuna began playing with her hair – whispering about how proud he was all the while. "So me, Naru, and Sasu-chan all teamed up to find him… but he made a load of shadow clones, so we're stabbing them to see whether we've found the real one," she said brightly, turning to Hashirama. "Don't worry, we always try to aim for non-vital areas!"

Hashirama didn't look reassured in the slightest.

"I'm glad you and your brothers are getting along now," Madara said, smiling like the proud parent he was.

"Though I think stabbing wood clones would be far more satisfying!" she continued, heedless of the way the pre-Shodaime was edging away from her. "What do you think, Senju-sama?"

Hashirama smiled. "Uh, well…"

Sakura tilted her head. "Why are you so far away?" Her grin was all teeth. "Come closer, Senju-sama. Pretty please?"


	17. A Cornucopia of Love

Peace discussions took time, so Madara found himself stuck in the same house as Hashirama. _And he swore he could hear the idiot's snores. _How his wife could sleep through it, he had no idea. Uzumaki Mito was truly a formidable woman. _Though speaking of formidable… _Madara stared at his empty chest, eyeing the empty sheets next to him, pouting slightly as he wondered where his daughter had vanished. _Perhaps she was sleeping with her brothers. _He bit his lip, a small part of him missing the familiar weight, and the cute daughter who prevented his clansmen and his idiot of a brother from waking him up earlier than necessary. _His daughter was truly formidable with fire jutsu… and she should've been using him as a mattress as she usually did. _"No matter…" Madara mumbled, turning over in the night. "I can deal with—dammit…" he muttered, climbing out of bed, pulling on a shirt adorned with an Uchiwa as curiosity overtook him. _He might as well see where his sons spent the night too. _

Cautiously, he made his way through the house, peering in the bedrooms, freezing when he finally found them. _All his children. _His eyes bled red, burning the scene into his memory as he watched them twist and turn. Sakura's fluffy red hair was just about visible in the small gap between a sprawled out Hashirama and a calmly sleeping Mito. Naruto had his foot pressed firmly into Hashirama's face, his own tiny face right next to Mito's whilst Sasuke slept sweetly atop her chest. _He ignored the sliver of jealously that rose up inside him, clamping down on his killing intent. _And if he stayed there for a few hours, it was nobody's business but his own.

He couldn't resist the temptation to return the night after that one either, given the fact his daughter seemingly preferred to sleep there with her brothers rather than dragging them over to his sleeping quarters. Pouting, he peered around the doorframe, eyes bleeding red as he took in the cuteness that was his children sleeping. _And one of them always had a foot or another body part shoved into Hashirama's face._

He couldn't resist the temptation to return the night after that either, or the one after that. _It wasn't his fault his children were there, nor was it his fault they were so damned adorable. _Besides, if Hashirama and Mito wanted him to stop, then there was no doubt they'd tell him. _And then he'd just have to be far more stealthy on the next visit._

* * *

Mito sighed, slowly wiggling out from the three small children clinging to her in their sleep, biting her lip as three sets of eyes blearily blinked open. They stared at her pleadingly for a few moments. "I'll be back in a few minutes," she whispered, watching as they all sat on the edge of the bed. _She'd had enough of that chakra signal hovering by their door for a few hours each night. _If her kids' father wanted to cuddle up with his children, then she'd make it possible. _After all, she could hardly deprive the precious little red-haired beans of their adoring father. _Madara really had done an incredible job with teaching little Sakura-chan all those fire jutsu. _And there was a tinsy tiny part of her, that was the same with most Uzumaki, that loved watching things burn. _They lived in the middle of the sea for a reason, and despite their love of water, they did have a slight attraction to flames. "Wait here until then." With that said she was off, quickly and precisely wrenching the door open as quietly and quickly as she could, hand snaking out to grab at the fleeing Uchiha. "Get back here, damned Uchiha!" she hissed, pulling him back towards hers and Hashirama's room by the oversized collar of his sleeping robes.

"Get off me you crazy Uzumaki!" Madara hissed.

"Oh for crying out loud, Uchiha, get in," she ordered, jerking her head towards the bed.

_"What?!"_

"You heard me. Get. In," Mito hissed. "I'm tired of you lurking like a creeper, so shut up, get in bed, and cuddle our damned children if you want to cuddle them."

"When did you decide to become their mother?" Madara whisper screeched. "You're Hashirama's wife!"

"Get in, Uchiha. I won't ask again."

Madara huffed, quickly climbing into the middle of the bed, glaring at Hashirama's back as he laid on his back. A familiar weight soon settled on his chest, spiky red hair telling him exactly who'd come to claim their usual spot. _He was being used as a mattress again. _Madara sighed in satisfaction. _Not that he'd ever admit he took pride in being used as a human mattress. _But what people didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

Mito climbed into bed, and Madara blinked as he found himself sandwiched between the couple, his children snuggling up to him with at least one part of their tiny bodies. _What was this called? _Madara mused. _A cornucopia of love, no doubt. _He snorted quietly, closing his eyes as the soft snuffling sounds of his daughter lulled him to sleep.

* * *

It was early in the morning when the idiotic oaf next to him decided to wake up.

"Madara?" Hashirama blinked sleepily, eyeing the recently awakened form of his best friend. "Good Morn—Wait, MADARA?!"

"Keep it down you big ninny!" Madara hissed, clamping a hand over his mouth, releasing his hold only when his idiot of a best friend showed no signs of more yelling. His eyes darted down to the red hellion sleeping peacefully, her head pressed into the crook of his neck, ignoring the warm fuzzy feeling in his gut at the sight.

"NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHY THE HELL YOU'RE IN MY BED!"

"SHUT UP!" Madara hissed, frantically looking down at the sleeping child in his arms.

Sakura blinked up at them.

"Oh shit," Madara whispered, dropping his daughter, only able to dive and just about tackle both of them out of the way as the horse sign was completed and fire exploded outwards in a sea of flame. Brickwork and wood caught fire, bursting outwards, and Madara readied his hands, but a wall of water swamped the fire almost instantly. _And then Madara felt a small weight which could only be his daughter collide with his back, toppling the tenuous balance he'd found in the rush and sending him falling down on Hashirama_. The thud of footsteps met his ears as his eyes widened along with Hashirama's, the beat of those feet sounding thunderous as they grew louder and louder until finally the door was slammed open.

Tobirama stormed into the room. "Does somebody want to tell me why I just had to put out a…" he trailed off, blinking furiously at the sight in front of him.

Hashirama was on his back, silky brown hair pooling around his head, face almost completely hidden under the one whose lips were locked on his as Mito cheered in the background.

Naruto and Sasuke shuddered, looking faintly traumatised as they stared at the scene in front of them.

"This brings back memories," Sakura gushed, cackling wildly as Tobirama stared and stared at the scene in front of him.

Madara reared back, coughing and spluttering, and Hashirama rolled over onto his front, still trapped under Madara's thighs, reaching out for his brother. "Oh, Tobi…"

Tobirama backed away. "I don't even want to know."

"But Tobi—"

"No."

"Tobi it's not what it looks like, I swear!"

Silence was all that greeted Hashirama's flailing.

"Tobi come back!"

Wind whistled through the newly installed window in the room.

"TOBI!"


	18. The Joys of Building a Village

Madara smiled as he looked over at the village below – the village he and Hashirama had created together. "Konohagakure. The Village Hidden in the Leaves," he said, ignoring the way Hashirama moped at the simplicity of it.

It was already getting to the time of year when the leaves were falling and drying to a crisp – perfect kindling material, which was probably why Tobirama was seemingly so eager to cut down a fair number and sweep the leaves out from under the rest.

"Naru-chan, Sasuke-chan, and Sakura-chan are starting at the academy today, aren't they?" Hashirama's grin widened, and Madara closed his eyes.

"Hn." He nodded, relaxing at the scent of the clean, fresh air and the slight hint of smoke—His eyes snapped open, fixing on the fire that had sprung into life. "Looks like Sakura is having fun…" he mumbled, smirking as a substantial water jutsu quenched the flickering flames.

The tell-tale sound of a shunshin had him spinning, but Izuna only raised an eyebrow. "Actually, I do believe that was Sasuke this time…"

"Sasuke-chan?" Hashirama blinked in confusion.

Izuna shrugged. "Something about a kid named Shimura Danzo looking at Sakura funny…"

* * *

Sasuke folded his arms, smirking as Naruto mirrored his actions, the smouldering wall behind the other pair filling him with smug pride – especially with the mild terror now settled on Danzo's face, an expression he would relish until the end of time. "Why do we have to be split up for a tour?" he demanded, blocking Sakura from sight. He did not like the way Danzo was looking at his sister, and he doubted Naruto appreciated Hiruzen looking at Sakura either.

_Like they wanted to be friends… or more than friends…_

No male aside from family could be allowed to get near their sister, partially because they loved her, and partially because they _did not _want her spawning. One Sakura was enough to deal with by herself, so they didn't need more.

"We can go as a group," Sasuke insisted, folding his arms.

"Uh, but Kagami already took Sakura for her—" Hiruzen began.

"What?" Sasuke hissed, spinning around to discover that Sakura had, much to his consternation, vanished. His eye twitched, feet pounding as he hurriedly tried to find his missing sibling – if only so she couldn't cause more damage.

"You just need to put more chakra in!" Sakura chirped, flicking through the hand seals for the Uchiha's staple jutsu.

"Cool!" Kagami said, grinning brightly, copying his sister's motions, and Sasuke felt a pool of dread build in the pit of his stomach.

This was not going to end well.

* * *

_Been a while, but I'm afraid to say I've lost a lot of motivation for this fic - hence the painfully short chapter. This was always going to be a short crackfic with little plot, if any, aside from fixing the past through sheer Team Seven weirdness. Bookmarks on AO3 and other remarks being made calling this 'garbage' to put it politely (even if in a different language - because yes, I do have access to google translate, and I do use it occasionally) haven't helped either with my writing, though thankfully I think there were only a few. I never honestly thought this fic would get that much attention, and I can safely say I'm not fully happy with certain parts, particularly the first chapters._

_The epilogue will be coming up next to tie things up, and over the coming months I may try to edit bits and pieces of different chapters, but for now, I'll be moving on to my other less cracky fics._

_Though I may do a slightly more realistic Warring States time travel fic involving Team Seven Redheads if I feel like it, still with some crack but mostly plot and awesomeness. I might do a 'Twiceborn' Universe AU, who knows? Though I do have a fair few other ideas I want to pen down, and I have lots of WIPs which I need to finish._


	19. Epilogue

"And that," Iruka said, "was the life story of three of arguably the most terrifying Konoha shinobi." His words rang about in the silence of the classroom, and seconds later the chatter erupted. "BUT!" he roared, glaring around at all of them. "That does _not _give any of you an excuse to start running around and setting things on fire."

Sasuke shifted on his seat. "Why are you looking at me, sensei?" he asked, biting his lip. "Uchiha Sasuke was the most sensible one of the trio, and I was named after him."

"Uchiha Sakura was the prettiest," Sakura mumbled, staring starry-eyed at the spiky-haired Uchiha.

"Hardly!" Ino declared, glaring at her ex-best friend. "Uchiha Naruto was! Look at his hair – it's so shiny… and look at the photo of him when he's _our _age," she continued. "I'd _totally _be fangirling over him instead of Sasuke."

"Hn."

"What does that guy have that I don't?" Naruto complained, glaring at the pictures of the three. "It's just because he's an Uchiha too isn't it?"

"How did they die, Iruka-sensei?" Sakura asked, staring at her textbook in confusion. "It doesn't say whether they died in battle or of old age…"

Iruka smiled at his brightest student. "Neither, unfortunately. Their bodies were never recovered, but their last known location was marked with a gigantic fuinjutsu array – one that experts to this day haven't figured out what it was supposed to do. Officially, they're marked down as _missing in action_, because Tobirama-sama I quote 'doesn't believe those little shits are dead'."

As if in answer to that statement, the scent of something burning hit their noses, and Iruka stiffened, eyes widening as a massive burst of smoke erupted at the front of the classroom right beside him. Coughs sounded from within, and he moved to place himself between the perceived threat and his students.

"Dammit, Sasuke!"

Iruka blinked, staring back at his student – but the sound had come from _within _the smoke.

"Naruto's supposed to be the one who gets us into these kinds of messes!" the high-pitched feminine voice sounded. "Why is my voice so high? I sound like…" There was a beat of silence before… "Sasuke, _I'm going to kill you!"_

"Huh? We're eight-years-old… _again_?"

"Apparently so, dobe," a third voice sounded, and Iruka had the vaguest sense of foreboding as the smoke began to clear. "At least this time we know Sakura's gonna turn into a shorter red-haired version of tou-san, and that she should embrace—oof!"

"Tou-san is a man, _nii-san_!" the shrill female voice sounded. "And I'm a cute girl!"

"Naruto. Run," a feeble voice croaked.

"I won't leave you behind, brother…"

"Save yourself, Naru…"

Iruka stared, nonplussed, as the smoke slowly faded, revealing three faces to match the pictures stuck to the board behind them. He blinked, a sliver of dread creeping down his spine as the three red-haired duplicates of terrifying (even in childhood) shinobi took in the room they had arrived in.

"What?" Uchiha Naruto mumbled, blinking rapidly. "What the?"

"Uh," Iruka mumbled, mind racing a mile a minute – but his thoughts were cut off as a sob burst from Naruto's lips and he was met with an armful of silky red locks.

"Dobe!" Sasuke hissed.

"Naruto!" Sakura snarled, before she seemingly remembered who'd got them into the situation. "Sasuke… this is your fault."

Uchiha Sasuke vanished in a flash, vaulting out the window with a practiced ease, and Iruka could only watch as Sakura moved to follow – but she paused instead, black eyes locking on the form of one Haruno Sakura.

"You." Uchiha Sakura leapt onto the table in front of the pinkette, and Iruka was too occupied with a sobbing redhead to intervene. "You'll have enough chakra control for it, unlike me – thanks to some imbecile—" Naruto shivered in his arms "—so…" Her grin was all teeth. "Want me to teach you how to break people like twigs?"

Haruno Sakura had hearts in her eyes. "Yes!"

Uchiha Sakura smiled smugly, grabbing the other Sakura and tucking her under one arm, before vanishing to whoever-knows-where.

Iruka patted Uchiha Naruto on the back, waving over another teacher to go and inform the Hokage as he tried to calm down the sobbing Uzumaki-Uchiha who clung to him like a lifeline.

* * *

The view that greeted him as the lid dropped away from the coffin was one of fire and flame. Sighing quietly, Tobirama stepped out of the coffin, registering the other presences who'd evidently been revived again.

"Tobirama-sensei," Saru greeted him.

"It's them, isn't it?" he asked, running a hand through his hair as he realised the jutsu was being used for what he'd originally intended _because he knew those brats weren't going to die, and he was the only one skilled enough in water jutsu to keep up with them_. "Typical. I knew they were too stubborn to die in a pathetic sealing accident."

Madara smirked next to him, preening like one of his beloved falcons as he stared at the destruction. "I raised them well."

Mito scoffed. "You mean _we_."

* * *

Itachi stared at the burning training ground in front of him, swallowing silently as he stared at his manically cackling cousin. _He was so glad he hadn't inherited his grandmother's love of fire jutsu. _Shisui hadn't been as lucky.

Though he was certainly surprised when fires started springing up in the village from places Shisui wasn't.

The answer to those flames soon arrived – in the form of a short red spiky-haired girl who looked alarmingly similar to a certain pyromaniac ancestor of his. "Oooh!" the girl spoke, grinning brightly as she took in Shisui's flames and the teenager himself, and Itachi finally noticed the pink-haired girl from Sasuke's class tucked under one of her arms. "You look just like Kagami!" She pressed her hands together, releasing the pinkette, and Itachi, trusting his instincts, slowly started to back away from the budding crimescene. "But your only on the fireball…" She tilted her head. "Want me to show you some more destructive ones?"

Shisui's eyes lit up.

"I gotta teach my fellow Sakura here to break people like twigs though too while I'm at it. You don't mind that do you?"

Shisui shook his head, and Itachi carefully backed out of the training grounds, eyes fixed upon the odd trio. _Welp… _Itachi stared at the ragtag group, shudders running down his spine as craters started appearing in the ground with flames burning in the background. _Yep. There was no mistaking it. _

_Konoha was doomed._


End file.
